Al Quote #160
Al: All right, now we're ready for sanding. Now, in this case, you wanna use Binford's 6100 palm sander.
Tim: If you don't actually own a palm sander, you can use a sanding attachment to any Binford drill.
Al: Well, you don't want to use an attachment on fine furniture because it will leave unsightly swirl marks.
Tim: Says who?
Tim: Oh, and you listen to what everybody says?
Al: Unless it's you.
Quote from Tim
Jill: Are you saying you think I'd look good like that?
Tim: No. It was a general wow.
Jill: General wow?
Tim: The famous Chinese military guy, General Wow...
Quote from Wilson
Tim: She had this computer simulation that showed some cosmetic surgeon's alterations to her body. It reminded me of when she was young, when I first met her. I kinda liked it. Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it would cost to overhaul her whole body.
Wilson: Whoa, major faux pas.
Tim: Major Faux Pas... Was he in the same campaign as General Wow?
Wilson: Tim, I'm not familiar with General Wow, but your situation reminds me of The Naked Ape. [Tim grunts] That is the one exactly, Tim. You see, The Naked Ape is a book which theorizes that men, like apes, are instinctively drawn to younger, more fertile women in order to propagate the species.
Tim: What's Mrs. Naked Ape attracted to?
Wilson: Well, unlike the male of the species, she instinct is be attracted to someone older and more experienced. Someone with more wisdom, sensitivity.
Tim: Wait a minute. What you're saying is if I explain to Jill it was just my instincts talking, I'd be off the hook.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is you have to learn to understand your instincts, and then you won't be on the hook in the first place.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure.
Quote from Dead Weight
Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
Quote from This Joke's for You
Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.