Tim Quote #978
Quote from Tim in A Frozen Moment
Tim: Well, we continue our week-long salute... [toilet flushes] to bathrooms. We've already finished our basic plumbing installation process. Now we move on to a thing called style. Women call this "accessorizing the bathroom." We gotta talk about some of this stuff. Like, what are these things?
Al: This is a flower decal to prevent slipping in your tub. I have these at home.
Tim: Why doesn't that surprise me? Now, men, what do you wanna do? Stand on a decal like this, or the new M1 Battle Tank series? Or you could use what I use at home - the Al decal.
Al: So you step all over me like you do here?
Tim: I like taking my work home.
Tim: Toilet seat and seat covers. Seat covers? Men don't need a seat cover. We don't even need a squishy seat like this. Toilet seats were just invented so women won't fall in. [woman screams] [splash] Now, here's a toilet seat, huh?
Al: What is in this?
Tim: Barbed wire. And these - a woman's idea of soap by the bath. Little roses and little hearts and pigs. How do you lather up with a pig? Goodness knows you've tried. What men need... Big bruiser soap like this.
Al: Football soap.
Tim: Football soap on a rope, Al. Perfect for the underarms, the ears... Al, get naked, go long. [Al turns away] You were gonna do that for a minute, weren't you?
Home Improvement Quotes
‘A Frozen Moment’ Quotes
Quote from Jill
Jill: Well, um, OK. I'm thankful for good friends, for my children, for a husband who never ceases to amaze and surprise me, a man who's blown out every window in the house, frozen his tongue to a hammer, fallen off the roof, through the roof, hung upside down from the roof, and in spite of all these things, or maybe even because of them, I love him more today than I did the day I married him.
Quote from Tim
Tim: Why don't we go through my typical day then? I get up, I scratch, I get in the bathroom. First I wanna get rid of that horrible morning breath. You got everything here you need. You got your soap. You got a little bit of your mouthwash. [sprays dispenser into his mouth] No, that's the soap. That's the mouthwash. To get that deep-down, manly dirt off, you gotta jump in your multihead shower. Hop out, stand over your built-in floor drain. Gotta get dry real quick. [dryer buzzes] I'm dry. Well, ready to shave. I can't shave in the dark. I'll need my trusty... headlights!
Al: Also useful in case a deer wanders into your bathroom.
Tim: For those pesky nose hairs, you flip on your brights. All right, all right. Well... the bathroom has everything, including the brand-new La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet. [audience applauds] It's plush when you flush.
Al: And jukebox, phone and a rack for your hot rod magazines within easy reach. If there were a refrigerator in here, you'd never have to leave.
Tim: Did you say "if"?
Al: Brewski?
Tim: You bet, buddy. Between the beer and the bathroom, we call this a male recycling center Guys are going, "Jeez, Tim, you spend so much time in the bathroom, you won't know what's going on in the big game." Got it covered. Go, go, go, go!
Tim & Al: Touchdown!
Quote from Al
Tim: We're gonna take you through a typical male day in the bathroom. Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself, "Oh, boy, another wonderful day of working side by side with Tim."
Tim: What's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.
Tim: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.