Tim Quote #688
Tim: In order to get a new floor, we gotta lift off the old floor.
Al: That's right. And for that, we can use a simple, basic, scraper.
Tim: But that wouldn't be any fun. Let's use the Dry Ice method. You just put Dry Ice down there, it lifts the asphalt tiles right up.
Al: Actually, Tim... Uh... Using Dry Ice, you'd need an awful lot of Dry Ice for that to work.
Tim: For once, Al, you're totally correct.
Al: So what we'll do is, we'll be using the... [engine starts] the simple, basic, scraper. And you can pick this up at just about any hardware store...
[After Tim drives onto set in a Skid Steer Loader, the vehicle breaks through the wooden floor and tilts forward, crushing Al's mother's tea set]
Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Quote from Wilson
Tim: I want Brad to be a good student.
Tim: So I told him that multiplying compound fractions is a real important part of that. But, you know, between you and me, it's kinda useless information.
Wilson: Well, I don't know about that, Tim. There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers, would never come in handy. Then you moved in.
Quote from Randy
Randy: Guess I'd better get my books.
Jill: Not so fast. Why doesn't Brad wanna go to school?
Randy: Uh... 'Cause he and Jennifer broke up.
Jill: They did? Why? What happened?
Randy: I don't know.
Jill: Well, she must have dumped him, or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Randy: Yeah, that's it. You know how sensitive Brad is.
Jill: His little heart is broken.
Randy: And his little tongue is burned.
Quote from Jill
Brad: Well, why do I have to learn how to multiply compound fractions? I'm never gonna use them.
Tim: You use 'em every day.
Jill: Well, like, when I go to the grocery store and I buy a pound and a half of cheese.
Brad: Yeah, but you're not multiplying anything.
Jill: Well, you didn't let me finish.
Tim: Why don't you finish that?
Jill: Well, I buy a pound and a half of cheese and then I multiply that by... a gallon and a half of milk.
Brad: But why would you do that?
Jill: Because... Because I'm... making cheese milk.
Jill: Now go get your math book. We are going to teach you how to multiply compound fractions.
Tim: Couldn't we just punish him? Send him in his room without his cheese milk? [Jill laughs]
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Quote from The Look
Benny: What's the look?
Tim: Oh, come on. It's just the most potent weapon in a woman's arsenal. Her face will transform right in front of you. Her lips get really tight like this.
Marty: Yeah. And then her whole face shrivels up. It's like...
Harry: Yeah. And then her eyes get real small and meet right in the middle of her head like a Cyclops in a housecoat.
Tim: Just when you think you can't take anymore, she lines you up and finishes you off.
Benny: Ohh! I'm never getting married. And not just because women can't stand me.