Tim Quote #556
Al: I just think that we have done sheet rock to death.
Tim: "Sheet rock to death." Doesn't sound like you talking, Al. That sounds like Maureen Binford.
Al: Well, she is the producer. And I don't think she wants to do a show on sheet rock.
Tim: I don't give a sheet rock what she wants to do.
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim... marriage is all about compromise. Give and take. Understanding each other and sharing.
Tim: That was beautiful, Al. Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"?
Al: I was just... I was just trying to help.
Tim: I don't need help on my marriage from a guy who hasn't been married.
Al: You think I don't know what it feels like to be married to you?
Al: Sharing a workbench for three long years, and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end. These are just some of the things I have to take home with me every night.
Tim: I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner." We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint. I'm going to show the audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
Tim: You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set.
Al: Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket. You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...
Tim: And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries. A wonderful snack for TV time...
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim! I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock my potato.
Tim: You say, "potato," I say, "stupid."
Al: Tim, this'll work. You twist, and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket. But first, you must...
Tim: Jam it in the light.
[Sparks fly when Tim sticks the potato into the light. He trembles as he grabs his jacket and walks off set]
Al: Unplug the lamp.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.