Tim Quote #538
Jill: You gotta call him.
Tim: Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk to him about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships.
Jill: Well, they talk about sex.
Tim: So? That has nothing to do with relationships. [off Jill's look] Except in ours.
Jill: Until now.
Quote from Al
Tim: Remember to make the final strokes with just the tip of your brush. That way, you'll end up with a beautiful finish, just like on this American walnut cabinet.
Al: Tim, it's not American walnut. It's English walnut.
Tim: Wrong, Al. That's American walnut.
Al: I don't think so, Tim. Pardon me. [lowers his respirator and sniffs the cabinet drawer] English walnut.
Tim: [sniffs Al] American bearded nut.
Al: I've trained myself to distinguish wood not only by sight and feel, but also by smell.
Tim: And smelling wood must come real handy at parties, huh?
Al: As a matter of fact, Tim, it does.
Tim: If you're a beaver.
Al: If you were lost in the forest in the middle of the night, you'd be grateful for this talent because you could sniff your way back to safety.
Tim: Or you could buy a cellular phone.
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: Aristotle said, "Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth. Piety requires us to honor truth above our friends."
Tim: Yeah, of course. So if it comes up, I should tell the truth.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there's no easy answers. It's the age-old dilemma. The high road or the low road. The lady or the tiger. Door number one, door number two.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Firing squad, electric chair. It's all the same to me.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.