Tim Quote #9
Jill: Don't touch the dishwasher. [walks away]
Tim: [mimicking] Don't touch the dishwasher. [Jill walks up behind Tim] I'll show her. Boy, I'll strap that old 427 side arm V-8 on that son-of-a-B. Dual quads, Headman headers, V-Cam, 700 horse blowing everything off every dish in there. Including that little sissy flower pattern.
Jill: I heard that.
Tim: Hey! This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.
Jill: No. You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can purėe a brick.
Quote from Tim
Tim: We got to take off that access panel. All right. Whoa, look at all the wires in there.
Mark: Do you know what all those wires do?
Tim: Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't. Ground, we're looking for ground. Now, red is all... Red... Yellow, see... The sun is yellow, it heats the ground, that's how they name stuff. [sparks fly as Tim cuts a wire] Was that car running? [goes into the garage and screams; returns] Whoo! Shake it off. [Tim and Mark dance around] Ah.
Mark: Are you all right, Dad?
Tim: Yeah. I- I did that to teach you an important lesson.
Mark: What's that, Dad?
Tim: Well, when you work with electricity it's a good idea to shut it all off. Now follow me upstairs. I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.
Quote from Tim
Tim: There you go. Hear that snap? That means it's on. Tool tip, tool belt fashion tip from ol' Tim: Hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack, cos who wants to see that? Boy, there's nothing like the feeling of rawhide and cold steel hanging on your hips. My wife says when I put this bad boy on, I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape. [grunts] You know what? I don't think women understand the feeling of rawhide and steel, vice-gripping, monkey-plier, dado head, cut-flat, jig minor, jig box, hot goo... [grunts] Busy day, today. Al and I are gonna rough-in that house. Finish hanging that garage door. But first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder deadbolt security lock in this door. Morning, Al.
Al: Morning, Tim.
Tim: Always follow your instructions. Always makes jobs a bit easier. We've already laid out with the template included in the kit where we're putting our holes. Used my awl here to set my drill. All right, Al, let's have the drill, please. Ooh, look at that butt crack you got going there. I think we ought to start today by spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh? With the new Patch-and-Paint butt-crack filler putty. [drill whirs] Hey, I smell voltage. I think it's time to drill.
Al: Yeah, right, Tim. And we'll be using the one-and-a-half-inch auger bit.
Tim: Come on, Al. That's a girl drill. We need a man drill, don't we?
Al: But Tim, this is the proper tool.
Tim: Yeah. I bet it is, Al. You know, men, when we want a job done right and we want it done quick, what do we need?
Audience: More power.
Tim: Darn right, more power. Thank you, Lisa. Now, there is raw power. This is the Binford series heavy-duty, variable-speed drill. Double reduction spur gearing, 1400 RPM, 6.8 amps. [grunts] But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this. [high-pitched voice] Honey, shut that thing off. It's making too much noise. [inquisitive grunt] Always ignore that first plea. Just makes her yell a little louder. Here she comes down the hall. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hey, shut that thing off. Do you have mud in your ears, you big baboon?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.