Kyle: Can I say something, Tim?
Tim: Shop floor's open, buddy.
Kyle: Pardon me.
Tim: Oh, heck, we hooked a big one.
Kyle: Excuse me.
Tim: Hey.
Kyle: Name's Kyle.
Tim: Hi, Kyle. Timbo, Jimbo.

Tim: What's on your mind?
Kyle: Well, Tim, I enjoy gardening. I like to grow my own vegetables.
Tim: Well... Can't be all vegetables, man. Looks like you've socked a couple dozen donuts away or something.
Kyle: You know it, Tim. Love my donuts. Anyway, my wife uses my good gardening tools and she leaves them in the yard. Tim, every tool I own has suffered some degree of rust damage.
Tim: Oh. If your wife was here right now, what would you say to her?
Kyle: I don't know. I'd probably say... [points up] "Ginger, when you don't respect my tools, you don't respect me." "So, stop it." [shields his face]

Tim: I know what you're gonna say. I've already decided I'm not gonna say another word about the oil light. You made a mistake, anybody can make a mistake and I forgive you.
Jill: [sings] She's drooling, she's drooling. She's drooling down the river.
Tim: You saw the show, huh?
Jill: Tim, how could you do that?
Tim: You and I joke about it all the time. We laugh about your...
Jill: No, you and I joke about it all the time in the privacy of our bedroom, not on television. What, you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?
Tim: Let's talk about who didn't think for a minute. Who drove around for two days with the oil light on?
Jill: Wait. I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light?
Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm saying.

Jill: Look, my mistake involved a car. Your mistake involved a human being. Me. There's a big difference here. Of course I don't expect you to understand that, since you're completely insensitive.
Tim: Insensitive?
Jill: You didn't even think about how I would feel.
Tim: Why... I didn't tell them everything.
Jill: Everything?
Tim: You know when you roll on your side, you gurgle?
Jill: What, are you saving that for the Christmas special? [As Jill slams the garage door, Tim's tools fall off the rack]

Brad: It's all over school about what Jason Loomis said about your girl hands.
Randy: Oh, no.
Brad: But I stood up for you.
Jill: Good for you, Brad.
Brad: And I got you a little something to make you feel better.
Randy: What is it?
Brad: Passion Pink fingernail polish. [laughs]

Tim: What are you doing? [Jill is silent] I was thinking about what you said in the garage about that drool thing and you were right. I overstepped my bounds and I was really insensitive. You notice I paused there, in case you want to say, "I forgive you, Tim". It would fit right here. Or not. Come on, Jill, are you ever gonna talk to me again?
Jill: I just want to know one thing. What does my drooling have to do with home improvement?
Tim: Well, no one likes to live in a damp house.

Jill: What does my drooling have to do with home improvement?
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: So you just got up and said, "Oh, what a beautiful morning. I think I'll humiliate my wife today."
Tim: I was just telling stories on the show with these guys and I brought up the oil light and we seized the motor...
Jill: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You told them about the oil light?
Tim: Uh-oh.
Jill: Why did you do that?
Tim: I don't know.
Jill: Why did you go on TV and humiliate me?
Tim: I don't know.
Jill: I got a good idea. Why don't you just change the name of your show from Tool Time to My Stupid Wife. [As Jill goes upstairs and slams a door, Tim's tools once again fall off the rack in the garage]

Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim. Another glorious autumn afternoon.
Tim: Boy, it sure is. And you're burning leaves.
Wilson: Occasionally I like to throw a handful on the old barbecue and just, ah, sniff. Try to remember the old days.

Tim: Thank you. A lot of people have said to me. "I saw the show the other day with all the guy talk. What was that all about?" Well, mostly it was about getting in trouble with our wives.
Kyle: No kiddin'. Ginger's living with her mother.
Tim: Well, on today's show, we're gonna see if we can straighten things out. Al, I got a seat for ya.
Al: No, thank you, Tim.
Tim: Well, Tool Time is more than just home improvement, it's male improvement. An improved male is more sensitive to his wife. How do we get sensitive? By digging deep down in our emotions and sharing our feelings with others. You guys up to it?
Jim: I thought we were gonna get to use the tools.
Tim: Not today, Jimbo. What are you feeling?
Jim: Well, I guess I'm feeling confused. I was looking forward to using the tools.

Tim: Any other feelings?
Jim: I'm feeling... hungry.
Tim: Hey. Good? That's a good feeling there. Kyle, how about you, what are you feeling?
Kyle: I was feeling fine until Jimbo here said he was feeling hungry. Now I'm feeling hungry. And that makes me mad.
Tim: Why is that?
Kyle: Because I want a big ol' piece of pork. And my doctor said it's too fatty. What the hell did I have that bypass for anyway?!
Tim: Hey, settle down, man.
Kyle: I want some pork, dammit!
Tim: All right, all right, all right. Let's steer clear of the meat products for a minute.