Tim: Hey, Fred.
Fred: Hey, Mr. Taylor.
Tim: Do you have tulips?
Fred: Well, it'd be hard to whistle if I didn't. You get it?
Tim: Yeah.
Fred: It's a gag.

Al: Well, I decided to branch out into endorsements.
Tim: You're endorsing fertilizer.
Al: Yeah. I guess it's kind of like working from the ground up.

Tim: What are you doing?
Al: I'm capitalizing on my newfound popularity.
Tim: Is this why you've been leaving work early for the last couple of days?
Al: Well, actually, on Tuesday I opened a lamp store. And on Wednesday I was keynote speaker at Spacklefest '98!
Tim: If you want to capitalize on your newfound popularity, you might want to aim your sights a little higher than spackle and dung.
Al: Well, I don't want to impose on our friendship. But if you could give me some career advice, you know, coach me a little, maybe I could get some better endorsements.
Tim: Well, I hate to see you signing this crap.

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Mapping out Al's destiny.
Jill: And yet you couldn't put the dishes in the sink.
Tim: Listen to this. I got him the cover of Handyman Monthly. On Saturday, he's doing a radio commercial for Welder's Warehouse, and Sunday, a pre-shoot for a commercial for Faucets-N-Stuff.
Jill: You know, I'm really impressed with the way you've been able to put your ego aside and help Al.
Tim: Honey, he was knee-deep swimming in cow pies.
Jill: And you dove in and saved him.
Tim: I like this stuff. Now, Al's strengths are his sincerity and his groundbreaking dullness. I can manipulate that kind of talent a 100 ways from Sunday.
Jill: And yet... [looks at the dirty dishes]

Jill: So, what are you and Al gonna do today?
Tim: Oh. First we have a strategy meeting here. Then this afternoon we're off to Zug Island. The Port Authority is gonna have him christen his own ship.
Jill: How did you come up with that?
Tim: It's amazing. He's got a big appeal among dock workers ages 19 to 47.
Jill: I wonder who they latch onto when they turn 48? Andy Rooney.

Al: Yeah, his name is Roy Becker. You're gonna love him. He's smart. He's savvy. He's got a great sense of humor.
Tim: What are Roy Becker's credentials?
Al: Well, he's president of Roy Becker and Associates.
Tim: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I know that name. Didn't he use to manage that other cable guy, Fishin' with Freddie?
Al: Might have. He handles a lot of big stars.

Roy Becker: Tim Taylor. How are you, my man? Hey. Roy Becker. Nice to meet you.
Tim: Hey, Roy.
Roy Becker: Hey, nice pad you got here. You know, I used to live around here then I made something of myself. I'm just kidding.
Al: He's got a great sense of humor.
Tim: I can't wait to see it.

Tim: Hey, you want some coffee?
Roy Becker: Coffee? No. No coffee for me. It makes me hyper. I'm here for one thing and I'm here for one thing only. And that's to take Al to the top.
Al: This is the greatest day of my life! I got my manager. I got my coach.
Roy Becker: Yeah!
Al: Look out, world! Here comes Team Borland!
Tim: Can't wait for that team physical, huh?

Roy Becker: Okay, fellas. Now, let's talk game plan. As I understand it, Taylor's got you peddling faucets and metal garbage. Which is fine. Don't get me wrong. But now it's time to move up to the major leagues.
Tim: Major leagues?
Roy Becker: National commercials. I'm talking an M.O.W.
Al: M.O.W.? A mow? What will I be mowing?
Tim: M.O.W. is a Movie of the Week.
Al: I'm gonna be in the movies?
Roy Becker: Al, you're a big hit with women, baby. I can get you on the Lifetime Channel playing opposite Morgan Fairchild.
Al: Morgan Fairchild? I love her!

Tim: What are you leading him on for here, Roy?
Roy Becker: I'm not leading him on. Hey, look, Taylor. If he doesn't make money, I don't make money. And if I don't make money, I'm back living in this neighborhood. I did it again!
Al: Why are you being such a doubting Thomas? You know, the big time is beckoning!
Tim: So are 150 slag workers who want to see you in a sailor suit.
Roy Becker: Yeah? Well, they're out of luck. Let me tell you right now, Al, I don't want this going to your head, but garbage is beneath you.