Tim: Well, Al, we don't need a manager. I lined up a great gig for you today. You're christening a ship.
Jill: It's a trash barge.
Tim: It's a slag barge. It's a Cadillac of waste products.

Erica: And then he said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that before?" And I said, "Well, I thought that it was obvious." And he said, "Well, it wasn't obvious to me." Isn't it obvious to you?
Mark: Huh?
Erica: I asked if it was obvious to you.
Mark: It doesn't matter what I think. Just keep sharing your feelings and I'll keep listening.
Erica: Well, I'd really like to know what you think.
Mark: Well, I hurt when you hurt.
Erica: What are you talking about? I'm not hurting.
Mark: Well, then I'm not either.
Erica: Mark, I want you to tell me one thing that I just talked about.
Mark: You used the word "obvious."
Erica: That's what I thought. You know, you're even worse than my boyfriend. At least he's honest about not listening to me. [walks away]
Mark: I sympathize with your needs!

Tim: You can start as early as you want, Wilson. But I'm still gonna kick butt in that Christmas lighting contest.
Wilson: No. This is not for Christmas, Tim. Are you familiar with who inspired the Indian festival of Deepawali?
Tim: I'm still wondering who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop.
Wilson: Well, probably the same person who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
Tim: You want to know who put Al in a Movie of the Week with Morgan Fairchild?
Wilson: Morgan Fairchild? I love her!

Tim: I'm not jealous or anything. I just think he's moving too fast. It's like Frankenstein loose on the world without his doctor by his side, you know? What was the doctor's name?
Wilson: Frankenstein.
Tim: They were related?

Al: Maybe I'm just not an actor.
Tim: Maybe not now. You take a few classes. The next thing you know, you'll be back in Morgan Fairchild's arms.
Al: I just... I guess I tried to fly too high too fast.
Tim: Gravity is a cruel mistress. Your mom probably taught you that.

Al: I should've been happy with the career path we were working on, you know? There's no shame in making longshoremen happy.
Tim: At least not in this state.

Morgan Fairchild: Al.
Al: Yes, Morgan Fairchild?
Morgan Fairchild: I am so sorry about this. May I have your autograph?
Al: You... You want my autograph?
Morgan Fairchild: Well, actually, it's not for me. It's for my dad. He's a huge fan of Tool Time.
Tim: Well, he probably wants mine, too. Hi. I'm Tim the Tool Man.
Morgan Fairchild: Hi. No, he didn't mention you. Thanks. I, on the other hand, am a huge fan of yours, honey.
Tim: Morgan Fairchild. I love her!

Heidi: I mean, you should be doing promotions and endorsements. Al, you could be the next Ed McMahon.
Al: Ed McMahon?
Heidi: Uh-huh.
Al: Hiyo!

Tim: Hey, once again, Heidi, in the stratosphere. What is it with you and men? What the...
Al: Hey, the show's doing pretty well.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no.
Al: I didn't beat you by much! [off Tim's look] Okay, I'll clear out my locker.
Heidi: Hey, don't be ridiculous. Whatever gave you guys the idea this was some type of competition? Come on!
Al: Well, maybe because every month when these come out, Tim runs around going, "I won! I won! I won!"

Brad: What's up, Mark?
Mark: If a girl named Erica calls, tell her I'm not here, all right?
Brad: What? Is she, like, the ugliest girl in junior high?
Mark: Actually, she's the prettiest. I wish she'd just leave me alone.
Brad: Wait, wait. There's no way you and I are related.