Mark: My contact lens has to be around here somewhere.
Brad: Way to go, Mark. The contact has spent more time on the floor than it has in your eyes.
Tim: Anybody home? Hey, guys.
Boys: Hey, Dad.
Tim: Well... I don't care what you're playing, but I'm in. [drops to the floor]
Randy: It's called "Looking for Mark's Contact."
Tim: How do you play?
Randy: You look for Mark's contact.
Tim: OK. Whose turn?
Brad: OK, Dad. It's yours. OK, one, two three... go!
Mark: Wait, I found it! It was in my eye the whole time.
Tim: Well, if you're gonna cheat...

Mark: Aren't you getting tired of looking at your butt?
Randy: Surprisingly, no. Mark, let me tell you something no one's ever gonna tell you in life. Looks matter and... I got 'em.
Mark: Just too bad you're sitting on 'em.

Mark: [on tape] And those are the Taylors. If they are the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

Brad: Mark, what are you doing?
Mark: Making out my list for Santa Claus.
Brad: Are you kidding? Mom and Dad aren't gonna buy you all this stuff.
Mark: Why should they? Santa will make it.
Brad: Mark, are you gonna be a dork your whole life?
Mark: I hope not.

Randy: That must be Curtis. Randy!
Brad: Come on, Mark. Let's get out of here.
Mark: I want to meet him.
Brad: No, you don't. He's a bigger geek than you are.
Mark: Wow!

Mark: I'm ready.
Randy: Who are you supposed to be?
Mark: I'm Daddy. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Mark: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Tim: Right. Yeah.
Randy: You should have gone as Al. We could have gotten more stuff.

Randy: We did a great job on this letter.
Brad: Yeah! Mark's gonna fall for this big time. Oh, here he comes!
Randy: Hey, Mark! You got a letter from the Detroit Pistons.
Mark: I did?
Brad: Yeah. The return address says it's from Isiah Thomas.
Mark: See? I told you he'd write me back.
Brad: What does it say?
Mark: "Dear Mark. Thank you for your 25 letters. You're my biggest fan."
Brad: Does he say anything else?
Mark: "I can't wait to meet you. Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming to your house Saturday night. P.S. If you're cooking, I love corn on the cob." He's coming to our house!

Brad: There's nothing to eat in this house.
Mark: Hey, Randy. What's in the pantry?
Randy: We got some garlic powder, nutmeg and fennel.
Brad: What's fennel?
Mark: That's what Al's shirts are made of.

Tim: Binford's coming out with a new saw. I get to promote it on the show. Tonight I get to try it out in the garage - if you'll help move the hot rod chassis out.
Brad: Is it a power saw?
Tim: You bet.
Randy: I'll get the candles.
Mark: I'll get the Band-Aids.

Jill: Oh, honey. I've been thinking. I shouldn't be putting pressure on you. You know, if you want to talk, I'm always here to listen, but if you don't, I'm fine with that too.
Mark: I want to talk.
Jill: Good. Sit down. Pour your little heart out.
Mark: I can't see the board at school. I think I need glasses.
Jill: Is that what's bothering you? That's not so bad.
Mark: It's bad to me.
Jill: Honey, lots of kids wear glasses.
Mark: You don't understand. Some of the kids already think I'm a dork. If I get glasses, all of them will.
Jill: Nobody thinks you're a dork.
Mark: Then why do they call me "dork"?