Mark: Mommy, I'm worried.
Jill: About what, honey?
Mark: If you drool and sleep on your back, won't you drown?
Jill: No, honey. Thank you for your concern. Eat a carrot.

Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.

Jill: You remember the first time you kissed me? It was outside my dorm after Casablanca.
Tim: I thought it was after That Darn Cat starring Dean Jones. I often get those films confused. I remember, I hesitated. Then you shut your eyes. Boy, my heart was going crazy, wasn't it?
Jill: Oh, yeah, boom-boom-boom-boom.
Tim: Di-di-di-di-di. And then we did the tilt thing wrong. Then we locked. [they kiss]
Mark: [o.s.] Mommy and Daddy sittin' in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Randy: [o.s.] We're in the tree, stupid!

Mark: Will you give my will to the lawyer?
Jill: You made a will? That is so responsible of you. Let's see. "I give my piggy bank, my Rollerblades and all my toys to Mom. Except my G.I. Joe that Brad pulled the head off. I leave that to Randy 'cause I think he knows where the head is." Maybe we can take care of that while you're still alive.

Mark: Are Mom and Dad up yet?
Brad: No. And quit bugging us!
Mark: But it's late. When are they gonna get up?
Randy: Don't you know anything? Whenever Mom and Dad have a fight, Dad apologizes, and then, the next morning, they sleep late.
Mark: I don't think they're sleeping.
Brad: You don't? Why not?
Mark: Because I heard them jumping up and down on their bed.
Randy: Oh... Well, you know, they're probably just having one of their, um... somersault contests.
Brad: Yeah. It's a lot like the Olympics.
Mark: Sounds like fun. Why don't they ask us to play?
Randy: Trust me, Mark. You don't wanna play.

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Hello, Dr. Wilsonstein. I need a potion.
Wilson: What is your pleasure, Clark?
Mark: I need something that'll make my family look as weird as they think I am.
Wilson: The Number Six. Selling like hotcakes today. [evil laugh]
Al: You rang, Dr. Wilsonstein?
Mark: Who's that?
Wilson: That is my assistant, Algore. He assists me. Algore, I need four of my special face-distorting potions. I see you sampled one yourself.
Al: I don't think so, Doc. [Mark cackles] [Wilson laughs]

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Thanks to Dr. Wilsonstein, I've turned my horrible family into zombies. Now I have the whole house to myself.
Heidi: Oh, Clark?
Mark: Well, almost to myself.
Heidi: More root beer?
Mark: Don't mind if I do.
Tim & Jill: Let me in. Let me in.
Tim: Let me in.
Ronny: Clark, parents.
Heidi: What are you gonna do about them, Clarkie?
Mark: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. It's time to say goodbye to them forever. [Mark and Heidi cackle]

Mark: Brad and Randy made me eat a tadpole.
Jill: A what?
Mark: A tadpole.
Jill: Where are they?
Mark: They ran away.
Jill: Well, Mark, you're gonna be fine.
Karen: I'll get you a glass of water.
Mark: No! Not water!
Karen: OK.
Mark: It's turning into a frog.

Brad: Hey, mom, you think I have a chance at winning the costume contest? I don't have enough brains oozing out of my head.
Randy: I didn't know you had any brains in your head.
Brad: Well, how would you like it if I made you look like you're really dead?
Jill: Boys, boys, just relax. I think Mark's gonna win the contest anyway.
Brad: Mark? No way.
Mark: [dressed as Al] Well?
Brad: Well, if he's Al, I guess that makes you Al's mom?
Mark: I don't think so, Brad.

Mark: Guess what I have.
Randy: Rabies.
Mark: No. This videotape. I heard Mom and Dad arguing about it last night, so then I came down and got the tape.
Randy: Hey, that was pretty sneaky.
Brad: You know, Mark, if you keep this up, you might actually turn into a person.
Mark: Thanks. I really wanna be a person.