Robin: How can you think about poker when my marriage is falling apart?
Tim: Well, I figure if it's falling apart, I better win something from Charlie before the alimony starts.
Robin: Tim, you are an insensitive cretin.
Tim: You're right... dip?

Jill: Charlie, what happened?
Charlie: I was driving over here, Jill. And she started nagging on me, "Let me drive. Let me drive." So I pull over. I get out of the car so she can scoot over, and she took off on me.
Tim: [whistles] Buddy, a little advice. When you're arguing in the car, don't get out.

Tim: Oh, God, it's started. They'll be at this for hours. You gotta get your sister out of the house so we can play.
Jill: Tim, she's is my sister. I gotta help her.
Tim: Well, take her to that craft fair. Knit a rug. Blow some glass. I don't care, but get her out of the house.

Charlie: I can't believe she threw my keys into the bushes.
Brad: Yeah, that must have been 30 feet.
Jill: She's always had a real good arm.

Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Al: I fold.
Tim: Really? You folded every hand tonight, Al.
Al: I prefer to be cautious.
Tim: There's a reason they call it gambling, Al.

Al: Maybe Jill would like to join us.
Tim: No, she wouldn't.
Jill: Oh, thanks, Al. I love poker.
Tim: Hey, you can't sit down at this table unless you can bench press 150 pounds. [Al goes to stand up] Al, sit down.
Jill: Come on, Tim, I can play poker. What are you doing here? You want Chicago, high-low, anaconda, what?
Al: What's anaconda?
Tim: It's a snake, Al. Now, shut up for a minute. You can't play at this table unless you know the compression ratio of a 327 Chevy engine.
Fred: Boy, you are really tough on your wife.
Tim: Oh, talk about it, Mr. Three-Alimony-Payment Man. I'm very good to my wife.

Tim: OK, great. OK, great. Let's just lift up the felt, put down some doilies, get the sewing machine out. This is supposed to be men playing poker tonight.
Fred: You can't play poker with three people.
Al: How about canasta?
Jill: Well, now you're talking.
Tim: Aah!

Tim: Wilson, can I ask you a question?
Wilson: I believe you just did, Tim.
Wilson: Heard a lot of noise coming from your house tonight.
Tim: Yeah, that's Jill's sister and her husband. Newlyweds. They're always fighting.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Well, I seem to remember a couple of newlyweds that moved in next door to me that I thought would never stop fighting.
Tim: Jill and I. Huh. Boy, is that odd. We've been married 12 years and I still get so mad at her. Angry. Just 'cause she's a woman.

Tim: I just wanted one night of playing poker with the guys.
Jill: With the guys?
Tim: That was it.
Jill: Well, I think that I can give that to you. [puts a cigar in her mouth] Just call me Murray. [spits] So, how about those Pistons? Think they'll win the series?
Tim: You're pathetic.
Jill: What's the game?
Tim: Depends what we're playing.
Jill: High card?
Tim: What are the stakes?
Jill: Winner has to kiss the loser.
Tim: Murray! I had no idea.