Tim: Now, when you apologize to a woman just look at the floor and nod.
Charlie: All right, All right.
Al: You know, the apology might be more effective if you really meant it.
Tim: Ha-ha. Guess which one of us at this table's not married? [all point to Al] Boom.

Charlie: I know I'm a bit of a slob, but she used to think it was cute before we were married. Now I can't get her off my back.
Tim: You want her off your back? Do something unexpected. Like the laundry, but make sure she knows you're doing it. "Honey, where's the fabric softener? I'm doing the laundry." And then when you... Start mumbling like.
"I can't seem to get the whites as clean as you get them, hon." They love that stuff.
Al: You know, Tim, the trouble with your whites may be you're not pre-soaking.
Tim: Thank you, Al.

Tim: You know, I've been married 12 years. And the reason I have a good marriage is because of one word. Compromise. And who does all the compromise in a relationship? Men. It's always 60-40. Now let's play some cards.
Mark: [walks up behind Tim] Three kings. Is that good?
Fred: I fold.
Charlie: Me too.

Robin: Come on. What did you do?
Jill: I just used positive reinforcement. You remember that puppy that Dad brought home that we had so much trouble house-breaking?
Robin: Puddles?
Jill: Yeah. I did the same stuff with Tim that we did with Puddles.
Robin: This is good. You taught him to roll over and play dead?
Jill: No, Tim already knew how to do that.

Al: I'm in.
Tim: Well, you don't say. Welcome to the game, Al. It's about damn time.
Al: How much is the most you can raise?
Tim: [chuckles] Well, there's a three-dollar limit, Daddy Warbucks.
Al: OK, I raise that.
Charlie: Oh, he must have something good. I'm out.
Tim: I'm out. He better have something good.
Fred: I'm sticking. What do you have, Al?
Al: A flush. All black cards. Read 'em and cry.
Tim: I hate to burst your bubble, Al, but a flush is all the same suit. Clubs, diamonds... All the same something.
Al: Oh. Then I fold.

Jill: I'm sorry your poker night turned out to be a bust.
Tim: Well, it certainly wasn't your fault, and I do apologize for being so rough. It's just that sometimes I don't know where my fence ends and your tree begins.
Jill: Huh?

Tim: Before we go, let's take one last look at this fender. Boy, that hard work paid off, Al. We applied 120 coats of lacquer. Mm-mm-mm.
Al: "We", Tim? Well, you did the first coat of lacquer. I did the next 119.
Tim: Well, like I said, between us we applied 120 coats. You know, this fender reminds me of a good marriage. Stick with me on this one. All you see on the outside is a shiny lacquer finish. You don't know about the hard work that went into it. Like a good marriage. You see a good marriage on the outside but you don't know about the hard work that went into it. The enamel finish and the marriage both need hard work and dedication to make them come out right. The only difference is... you want your mother-in-law to steer clear of your marriage. But right in front of your fender. Just kidding, Nana. Well, that's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor with my buddy, Al, saying so long. See you next time.

Tim: You know, all this week, Al and I have done our Tool Time salute to painting, and I got to thinking about something a little disjointed. Women have been telling me that they think men are insensitive, that we don't listen. Boy, that really irks me. How about you, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, I think...
Tim: That's exactly my point, Al. You know, men are sensitive to other things. For instance, when a woman sees a hot rod, what does she see? A car. When a man sees a hot rod he sees all the love and care that it took to make the details of the hot rod.

Tim: All right, what are we gonna do on the next show?
Fred: Well, Tim, first we're going to apply 120 coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.
Tim: Do you suppose a fender has 120 coats 'cause it's cold?
Al: I really doubt it, Tim.
Tim: Well, it sounds like a lot of work, though.
Fred: Oh, it is, Tim. But it's worth it if you're a real detail man.
Tim: Details. [Tim rests his arm on the fender] See, it's exactly my point.
Al: Ah, well, there... there is one detail, Tim.
Tim: Al, we don't have any more time for details. Join me next time when we put this fender back... [Tim lifts his arm to reveal a large black stain]
Al: Yeah, we just put that primer on backstage.
Tim: Was that the detail, Al?
Al: Yes, it was, Tim.
Tim: Well, anyway, thanks for being with us. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, hoping all your lacquer finishes are glossy. See ya next time. [grunts]

Fred: Listen, I've got some bad news. Murray called, he can't make the poker game tonight.
Tim: Oh, no. We can't play with three men.
Fred: Well, maybe we should call it off.
Tim: No, we're not calling it off. I don't care if I have to drag some idiot off the street.
Al: Excuse me, Tim.
Tim: Al! Hey. Um... We need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. Do you wanna join us?
Al: Oh, I haven't played in about ten years.
Tim & Fred: Perfect.