Tim: Hey, Mark, check out this brochure from Boyne Mountain. They got some new lifts, they got some groomed slopes. It's looking great.
Mark: Wow! "Featuring hair-raising slopes and teeth-rattling halfpipes."
Tim: [grunts] I love halfpipes, yeah. I love copper pipes. I love exhaust pipes.

Brad: Yeah, I can't wait to get up there.
Jill: Honey, I don't know why you're so excited. You know, you're not gonna be able to ski on that knee.
Brad: Oh, I know. There's bound to be a few ski bunnies up there that want to cozy up next to an injured soccer stud.
Mark: Just don't tell them you tripped over a rug.
Tim: Go with something a little more manly, like you were chasing the bulls in Pomona.
Jill: Pamplona.

Jill: I'm glad you're driving today. I've got killer cramps.
Patty: Again?
Jill: Yeah. And my period's been unbelievably heavy this month.
Patty: Yeah?
Tim: [sighs] Excuse me.
Patty: When was the last time you've been to see a gynecologist?
Jill: I don't know. It's been a while.
Patty: Yeah? How long a while?
Jill: I don't... Maybe like a couple of years. I've been really busy.
Patty: Yeah, but I think it's time.
Jill: Yeah, I know. It's bad, though, you know? It's like a dam burst and the floodgates opened.
Tim: [clears his plate] I gotta get to some higher ground.

Marty: Getting your stuff ready for the ski trip?
Tim: It's gonna be great. We're snowmobiling this time, too. Plus, a five-hundred-foot vertical drop, sixty-mile-an-hour shushing. Bam, bam, bam! It's gonna be great! What are you doing next weekend?
Marty: Taking my girls to Barbie Expo '99.
Tim: It's gonna be kind of fun. I understand they're unveiling her new Vette.

Judy: You have enough room?
Tim: Plenty. Yeah, thanks.
Judy: Well, normally, I'm only half this size, but I've gained 50 pounds. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be bloated and constipated at the same time?
Gayle: My last pregnancy I gained 60 pounds.
Judy: Oh, did you have trouble losing the weight?
Gayle: No, I left half of it in the delivery room.
Tim: [chuckles] Damn! Thirty-pound kid. That must have hurt.
Gayle: The baby was eight pounds. The rest was amniotic fluid, afterbirth and discharge.
[Tim clears his throat and checks his watch]
Judy: I'm sorry, we must be making you really uncomfortable.
Tim: You think?

Gayle: Are you going to breastfeed?
Judy: Yeah. But I'm not looking forward to those sore nipples.
Gayle: And the leaking.
Tim: Excuse me.
[After Tim squeezes out from between the two women, he goes to talk to the receptionist]
Tim: Do you have any magazines for men? You know, like Car and Driver, or Hooker and Handgun, something like that?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't get much call for those. How about Jack and Jill?
Tim: I haven't read that issue.
Receptionist: You want crayons?
Tim: Do I?

Jill: Okay, okay. I think I have everything. I've got my clothes and the hospital card and my thesis.
Tim: Why are you taking your thesis?
Jill: Well, I'm gonna be there for three days. What am I gonna do? Just lie around doing nothing?
Tim: Well, some people use that time to heal.

Jill: What are the boys doing here?
Tim: They wanted to be up when you took off.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Tim: Boys, come on! Get up! She's leaving!
Brad: [wakes up] Bye, Mom. Good luck.
Mark: [wakes up] I hope it goes okay.
Jill: It's gonna be fine. I'm not the least bit worried, and neither should you be. By the time you guys are having lunch at school, I'm gonna be out of surgery and back in my... [notices the boys are asleep again] [to herself] Well, I guess we should go. [sees Tim sleeping against a wall] Tim! Tim!
Tim: [wakes up] Honey, we gotta get going! Honey!

Male Nurse: Hey, Tim! What are you in here for this time?
Tim: Hysterectomy.
Male Nurse: I guess that's the only thing left.

Tim: How are you feeling?
Jill: Fine. I wasn't fine when I first heard about the surgery, but once I worked through my feelings, now it's just... I really want to go home.
Tim: I know you're scared.
Jill: What if they take my ovaries? You know, once I get on that table, that doctor has carte blanche.
Tim: Come on, he's not gonna take anything he doesn't need. The guy's not working on commission.
Jill: I don't know. He drives a really nice cervix.
Tim: Lexus.
Jill: I wish my mother lived nearer. She'd be good to have around right now.
Tim: You've had way too much Demerol, my friend. Your mom drives you crazy when you're sick.
Jill: Well, that's just about little things, you know? But this is big. She's good with big.