Jill: I love ventriloquists. When I was growing up, I used to watch 'em all the time on Ed Sullivan.
Brad & Randy: Who?
Jill: Never mind. You're gonna look so cute holding a dummy.
Brad: He finally gets to work with somebody his own size.
Randy: Yeah, and somebody with your IQ.
Brad: Randy, you don't know anything about being a ventriloquist.
Randy: I'll read about it. You see, Brad, the library has these new things. They're called books. They're like comics, but they don't have pictures. [gasps]

Tim: Who thought of this?
Jill: Me and about five other people.
Tim: Were there any men involved in this group?
Jill: No. But Arlene and Vickie have very strong masculine sides.
Tim: A little quiz for women to show how stupid their husbands are.
Jill: No. It's fun. You get points. You know, for all the different answers. OK. You could rate anywhere from "knight in shining armor" to "Neanderthal."
Tim: You took it for me. How'd I do?
Jill: 98.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah!
Jill: Out of 300.

Tim: Al has been showing us some real craftsmanship on this wood lathe today. Al, do you suppose if you couldn't pay for this all at once you'd have to put it on lathe-away?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Jill: Here, let me try this. OK, we're gonna call this guy... Spanky. How are you doing, Spanky? "Good." What's your favorite nursery rhyme? "Mary had a little lamb"
Randy: That was great, Mom. "Harry had a little ham."
Jill: OK, wise guy. You go up and work on this, or you're not gonna get any dinner.
Randy: Why? What are we having? Heat loaf?

Tim: Well, if we're so incompatible, how is it we got along for 14 years?
Jill: Well, I'm an exceptional woman and I make all the compromises.
Tim: Back the marriage carriage up here a little bit. You make all the compromises?
Jill: Yeah. We always do what you wanna do.
Tim: No, we don't.
Jill: Yeah. I went to that truck-pushing thing with you.
Tim: Truck pulling. Pull.
Jill: Whatever.

Tim: I go to the opera with you.
Jill: Oh, once. I've been to three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?
Tim: Didn't we just see Le RoboCop?
Jill: I let you hang that ugly picture up there.
Tim: Ugly? That's the Monterey Grand Prix '64. It's one of a kind. That's worth some coin.
Jill: Good. Then sell it. You can hang up the quarter.
Tim: Ooh. I let you put percale sheets up in the bedroom. I wanted Heroes of the NFL.
Jill: Like I wanna sleep for the rest of my life on Dick Butkus?
Tim: Think about it.

Jill: We haven't even talked about the biggest compromise of all - the kids.
Tim: How are the boys a compromise?
Jill: I wanted girls. You wanted boys. I gave you boys.

Tim: Have you finished painting that dummy for Randy yet?
Wilson: Mm. Almost. I must say, you did a wonderful job of carving it.
Tim: Thanks, buddy.
Wilson: Oh, I've always been a big fan of ventriloquism. A noble art from the Latin words venter and loqui, meaning to speak from the belly.
Tim: I do that after I eat Mexican food.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Tim: You mind if I ask you something?
Wilson: Throw your voice, good neighbor.

Tim: And you know what? With you, I don't mind compromising.
Jill: I don't, either. You know, I've even started liking those stupid bloody action films.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah. Wouldn't mind having Arnold Schwarzenegger sheets.
Tim: Maria! And you know what? I like going to the mall with you.
Jill: Really?
Tim: [whispers] I kinda like buying lingerie.
Jill: [whispers] I think that better stay our secret.
Tim: Oh, you thought I said...

Jill: Boys, come on. What are you doing? This is our one morning to sleep in.
Brad: Whoa. You guys really look nasty in the morning.
Randy: Did you look this bad when you met?
Tim: Your mom did.