[As Randy sits down on the couch, a fart noise is let out. He pulls out a whoopee cushion from under the seat.]
Wilson: Well, I was wondering where I left that. I also misplaced my darn seltzer bottle. I just keep losing all my props.
Randy: Wilson?
Wilson: No, no, no, not today. When I volunteer for the children, I am Bubbles the clown. [chuckles] Oh, Becky, would you like to put these in some water?
Becky: Bubbles, I don't have any water.
Wilson: Well, you do now. [sprays her with the flower on his lapel]

Randy: Look, uh I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I'm not going with you guys this Sunday.
Jill: Do you have to work at the hospice on Sunday?
Randy: No.
Tim: Does going to Al's church make you a little uncomfortable?
Randy: Dad, going to any church makes me uncomfortable. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just realized organized religion doesn't make any sense to me.
Tim: It doesn't make any sense to anyone, but they still go to church.
Jill: Randy, this family's always gone to church together.
Randy: I know that, but for a long time I've been questioning why I'm there.
Tim: Well, you question all you want to, as long as your butt's in that pew.

Tim: Look, my parents forced me to go to church and I'm a better person because of it.
Jill: My parents forced me to go to church and I'm a better person in spite of it.
Tim: So, either way it works, huh?
Mark: Man, I'm never doing yoga again.
Brad: Hey, Dad, you know a lot about pain. What do you do for back spasms?
Tim: I go to church and I don't ask why.

Elaine: Gin. [laughs] One, two. Well... You owe me $362,000.
Randy: Settle for a stick of gum?
Elaine: No. Cash or your pants.
Randy: I'll owe ya. You know, you're one heck of a card player.
Elaine: That's what they said in Vegas. Before they kicked me out for counting cards. Luckily, I got a gig driving a truck.
Randy: Wait a second. You drove a big rig?
Elaine: An 18-wheeler. I met my husband at a truck stop in Reno. I divorced him at the next one. [Randy laughs] You think that's funny?
Randy: Yeah. No. Is any of this true?
Elaine: Some of it. You ever been to Vegas?
Randy: Yeah. Went last year. Got a fake ID, hooked up with a showgirl, and won 12 grand.
Elaine: Any of that true?
Randy: Not a word.

Mike Webber: Gina can't wait to meet you. The four of us are going to the Blues Barrel.
Al: Oh, I dig the blues. [sings] Ba da da da dah I was born on a Monday Ba da da da dah It sure was a fun day.
Tim: Hey, this is working. Now I got the blues. Wait a minute. You two are double dating?
Mike Webber: Why? Don't you think a minister can go have fun?
Tim: Not with Al.

Tim: I guess he does stuff now that I would never think of doing. At 15, I was always spending time around garages. You know, every day... Except Sunday morning.
Mike Webber: Yeah. Well, let me ask you this, what kind of stuff does he do in his spare time?
Tim: He volunteers a lot. Last year he worked at a soup kitchen. This year he's volunteering at a hospice house.
Mike Webber: That's very admirable.
Tim: Yeah.
Mike Webber: What kind of stuff do you do in your spare time, Tim?
Tim: Well, I work on the hot rod here. I'm gonna drop this flathead into a '46 Ford convertible.
Mike Webber: That's gonna cook, man.
Tim: Yeah.
Mike Webber: It's kind of funny, you know. Some people, uh, take their spare time and work on their cars and go to church on Sunday. Others take their spare time to help their fellow man and then choose not to go to church.
Tim: Are you saying I'm not as good a Christian as my kid?
Mike Webber: It's not a contest.
Tim: Well, if it were, who would get better odds?
Mike Webber: Look, I'm not the Lord's bookie. I'm sure you're familiar with the last words of any typical Episcopalian service?
Tim: "We're number one!"
Mike Webber: Well, what I always say is, "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord". If you think about it, that's what Randy's doing, isn't it?
Tim: I never thought of it that way.
Mike Webber: He's in good shape.

Mike Webber: Well, see you Sunday.
Tim: You bet. Unless I find some other way to do the Lord's work.
Mike Webber: Nice try, but I don't think dropping a flathead into a convertible qualifies as the Lord's work. Unless you donate the car to me.

Becky: Oh, Randy, hold on a sec. Elaine can't see anybody today.
Randy: Well, when should I come back?
Becky: She took a turn for the worse. She doesn't want visitors anymore.
Randy: But, I mean, come on, it's me. I'm her gin partner. I gotta win my money back.
Becky: I know. Listen, she told me to give you this.
[Randy takes Wilson's clown horn out of the bag and beeps out]

Jill: So, what did Father Mike say that changed your mind?
Tim: Well, he made me understand that even though Randy has a problem with organized religion, volunteering is his way of going to church. Thought I should be more open-minded.
Jill: That's what I said.
Tim: I know, but it had more impact coming from a minister who bar hops with Al.

Randy: Elaine didn't want to see me anymore.
Tim: Why not?
Randy: Doctor said she took a turn for the worse.
Jill: Oh, Randy.
Randy: You know, it's amazing. It's just like yesterday she's sitting there laughing, telling me stories, hiding the whoopee cushion from Wilson.
Jill: I know it's not easy, but you knew something like this was gonna happen, right?
Randy: I thought I did. But I guess I convinced myself that my spending time with Elaine would make some kind of difference.
Tim: Hey, come on, buddy. You made a difference. Sure you did.
Jill: You brought a lot of happiness into her life.
Randy: Yeah, but she's still gonna die. You know, I mean, here I think I have all my beliefs figured out. It's sure not working for me now.