Tim: Remember to make the final strokes with just the tip of your brush. That way, you'll end up with a beautiful finish, just like on this American walnut cabinet.
Al: Tim, it's not American walnut. It's English walnut.
Tim: Wrong, Al. That's American walnut.
Al: I don't think so, Tim. Pardon me. [lowers his respirator and sniffs the cabinet drawer] English walnut.
Tim: [sniffs Al] American bearded nut.
Al: I've trained myself to distinguish wood not only by sight and feel, but also by smell.
Tim: And smelling wood must come real handy at parties, huh?
Al: As a matter of fact, Tim, it does.
Tim: If you're a beaver.
Al: If you were lost in the forest in the middle of the night, you'd be grateful for this talent because you could sniff your way back to safety.
Tim: Or you could buy a cellular phone.

Wilson: Aristotle said, "Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth. Piety requires us to honor truth above our friends."
Tim: Yeah, of course. So if it comes up, I should tell the truth.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there's no easy answers. It's the age-old dilemma. The high road or the low road. The lady or the tiger. Door number one, door number two.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Firing squad, electric chair. It's all the same to me.

Tim: As you can see, I've got our three samples of wood laid out on the work bench. I will hand him them now, one at a time, and he claims he can tell us what type of wood it is just by smelling it. We shall see. Al Borland, name that wood.
Al: Tim, that's hickory.
Tim: Can you believe it, ladies? This man's single. Second sample. Al Borland, name that wood.
Al: Cedar.
Tim: Ha!
Al: Wait. Western red cedar.
Tim: You almost messed that one up, Al.
Al: Well, I'm fighting off a cold, Tim.
Tim: Well, this next sample... [Tim removes his shoe] should be a little bit more difficult to discern, Al. [Tim removes his sock and lays it on the wood] Might have to take a big old whiff of this thing to figure out what it is.
Al: Well, I'm up to the challenge, Tim.
Tim: I certainly hope so, Al. Al Borland, name that wood.
Al: [sniffs] Oh! Well, it's a hardwood from the Pacific Northwest. And... ugh. Well, it's... This particular piece seems to have some type of a fungus. [Tim looks at his foot] Well, uh... Uh... Oof. Let me try this again.
[Al is overcome as he tries to sniff the piece of wood, causing him to drop it on Tim's bare foot]

Jill: Of course, you know what I like about football?
Tim: What's that?
Jill & Karen: The butts.
Jill: Then they get in that circle, you know, and cuddle.
Tim: They huddle in the circle.

Tim: Well, I promised Dave I wouldn't tell you about the blonde.
Jill: Well, it's not my fault that you can't keep a secret.
Tim: I can keep a secret.
Jill: Well, this wasn't the kind of secret that you're supposed to keep.
Tim: Hold it a minute. Back the truck up. There's some secrets that you're supposed to keep, and other secrets you're not supposed to keep?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Is there a book on this somewhere?
Jill: Tell you what. If somebody tells you a secret and you're not sure what kind it is, tell it to me and then I'll tell you whether you should keep it or not. [Tim grunts]

Tim: What's with you, anyway?
Al: Well, Tim, all I can say is, if push came to shove, I believe I could identify wood blindfolded.
Tim: Well, maybe the audience would like to see a little demonstration of Al's wood-sniffing skills? Huh? [audience cheers] OK, then. On the next Tool Time, we'll put Al "Nostrils" Borland to the test. For now, the Tool Time tip of the day: don't inhale the varnish and definitely don't drink it. It would be a sad end, but a beautiful finish. [laughs] See you next time.

Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Hi-di-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What? Are you over there eavesdropping, huh?
Wilson: Oh, heavens, no. Just giving myself a little haircut.
Tim: You know, Wilson. I was thinking about friends today.
Wilson: You mean old two-timer Dave?
Tim: I thought you said you weren't listening.
Wilson: No, no, no, no. Just a few juicy tidbits did waft over the fence.
Tim: He's put me in a real awkward position.
Wilson: Well, are you referring to the ham and cheese, the opera, or the tall blonde?
Tim: A few juicy tidbits, Wilson? Sounds like you ended up with the whole tid.

Tim: Well, you heard the whole situation. What do you do? Defend your buddy or hurt Karen with the truth?
Wilson: [mumbles] Well, Tim. I'm reminded of what Aristotle said about Plato.
Tim: "Keep the lid on tight otherwise it'll all dry out." That's what I tell Mark.
Wilson: No, no, no. No, Tim. Not Play-Doh. Plato. The philosopher.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. Very introspective guy. Wore the tunics. Very nice guy. I understand.

Jill: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not so fast. You didn't have lunch with Dave yesterday.
Tim: Yeah, I did. He just covered his check.
Jill: You told me that you were at the project house all day long.
Tim: Yeah, but... Except for the part where I had lunch with Dave.
Jill: But Dave works downtown. That's, like, 20 miles away.
Tim: That's why we met halfway at the Boxing Cat Grill.
Jill: What happened to the lunch that I packed for you?
Tim: I took that with me.
Jill: To the restaurant?
Tim: We couldn't get in, so we had to eat in the car.
Jill: Then why did he give you the 20?
Tim: I sold him my sandwich.

Jill: You gotta call him.
Tim: Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk to him about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships.
Jill: Well, they talk about sex.
Tim: So? That has nothing to do with relationships. [off Jill's look] Except in ours.
Jill: Until now.