Jill: There's my husband now. [Tim hides behind the door] Tim. Come and meet Michelle's father.
Tim: [sticks his head out the door] Oh, hi, Michelle's father. Good to see you.
Jill: Tim, don't be rude. Come and shake his hand.
Tim: Not a good time, honey.
Bert: Now, wait a minute. Aren't you the guy on that tool show?
Tim: Yes, I am.
Bert: I love that episode where you lit your sleeve on fire.
Tim: [walks out] Classic episode. I got that thing on tape. If you wanna watch it, I got it. You're wondering why I don't have any pants on, aren't you?
Michelle: Why's your father in his underwear?
Randy: To ruin my life.
Tim: You know, I switched from brief to boxers because they're more freeing when you're in slacks. I'm gonna go and get a pair of Sansabelts on now. You guys just hold still while I get some slacks on. I'll be right back.

Brad: Why don't you ask Michelle to dance?
Randy: I just ate. You're supposed to wait an hour before you go dancing.
Brad: That's swimming.
Randy: Right. It's two hours before dancing.

Tim: [hits head on pipe] Oh! How come no one's dancing? This floor isn't just for looking at. Come on. Hey, Sherman. What do you think of the dance floor? I made this for Randy. Did your dad ever make you a dance floor like this?
Sherman: No. I kept dropping hints, but all I got was a crummy CD player.
Randy: Hey, Dad, I thought you told me you were gonna stay upstairs.
Tim: Yeah, I know. I thought maybe I'd come down and help everybody get the party going. A little dancing. Everybody, come on. Baby circles. I'm the king. No one ever gave me nothing. Shut up! Whoo!

Al: Now, if you want a strong waterproof finish, you can't go wrong with polyurethane. Now, we've already applied one coat with our lamb's-wool applicator.
Tim: Now, if your hardware store doesn't stock a lamb's-wool applicator, don't fret. You just duct tape your pet lamb to a pole. [sound effect of sheep bleating]
Al: Now, for best results, you wanna use two coats. However, before applying the second one, you wanna scuff the first coat with a fiberglass screen which will help the second coat adhere better.
Tim: Easy to install - just set it down underneath your buffer and start buffing. Al uses one of these to buff his legs before he waxes 'em.
Al: Now, speaking of wax - for a gentler, smoother shine, I suggest going with just wax. Of course... [cleans ear] With all the wax I got in there, you could wax a whole basketball court.
Al: Remind me not to shake your hand at the end of the show.
Tim: All right, I'm ready to buff out my wax and show you the difference, but Al's using the buffer, so I've brought my own. Heidi and Stumpy, could you bring out my buffer, please?
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, guys. Thank you, Stump.
Al: Could you have built a bigger buffer?
Tim: I didn't build this. I bought this at Bob's Big and Tall Appliance Shop.

Jill: Wanna taste my Alfredo sauce?
Tim: If I taste it now, can I skip it at dinner?
Jill: Forget it, I'll taste it myself. [grimaces]
Tim: [enters] Hi. Alfredo face. [Jill nods]

Randy: So how do I look?
Brad: What's different?
Randy: I changed shoes.
Brad: Randy, what are you so nervous about?
Randy: Well, you see, there's this girl Michelle coming to the party.
Brad: Randy, Michelle's not gonna care about what pair of shoes you're wearing. All she's gonna care about is she gets to have fun at the party. And she doesn't want any nerdy parents hanging around.

Randy: So are you having a good time?
Michelle: Not really.
Randy: Well, neither am l. I'd leave, but this is my house.
Michelle: I like your shoes.
Randy: I like your ears.
Michelle: What?
Randy: I mean, I just never noticed 'em at school before.
Michelle: I always bring them with me.
Randy: Yeah, it's just usually, you know, you wear your hair down and you can't see 'em. But now you can and they really match your nose.
Michelle: Thanks.
Randy: I'm really glad your father let you stay.
Michelle: I'm really glad your father put some pants on.

Jill: [sings] To sir With love
Tim: I think she should go to the doctor.
Jill: I'm not sick. I'm just singing.
Tim: Sit here.
Randy: I'm really sorry about this, Michelle.
Jill: What did you do? Tim!
Tim: I might have put a smidge too much wax on the dance floor.
Randy: A smidge? You could hold Ice Capades on that thing.

Tim: Speaking of which, we need some ice.
Jill: Well, I just put it all in the punch.
Tim: Yeah? That's easy.
Jill: No.
Tim: Come on. She's gotta stick her foot in there. Go ahead, put it in there.
Michelle: It's freezing.
Tim: Cold stops the swelling. Tomorrow you gotta put heat on there.
Brad: Yeah, come back and we'll stick your foot in a tub of hot chocolate.

Jill: We'd better call her parents.
Tim: What's your home phone number?
Michelle: Oh, no one's home. My mom's out of town and my dad's buying a new car.
Tim: We need someone to call... What kind?
Randy: Dad.
Michelle: My ankle really hurts.
Tim: Oh, look, it's turning purple.