TV Quotes

Mark: Hey. Cool fake mucus.
Larry: Oh. Actually, uh, I'm fighting a cold.

Brad: Um, listen, have you by chance ever heard of a guy named Clifford Warren? [spooky music]
Wilson: Clifford Warren? Who wants to know?
Randy: So you're saying you've heard of him?
Wilson: Unfortunately, I have.
Randy: Well, then, you know all about the...
Wilson: The incident. Yes, your parents finally told you.
Brad: Yeah, they told us everything about the incident.
Randy: Horrible thing, that incident. One of the worst incidents of all time, don't you think?
Wilson: For years that night has haunted me. The night that Clifford came home on Halloween and discovered that his brother Ezekiel was missing. And I don't think we'll ever know for sure whether Ezekiel ran away or Clifford murdered him.
Randy: Murdered him?
Wilson: You didn't know about that, Randy?
Randy: No, of course I did. It's just every time I hear it, it's so shocking.

Wilson: Clifford swore that he was innocent, but he was so appalled at the accusations that he actually went insane. And now he's locked up in a mental institution for life. [spooky music]
Randy: Uh-oh.
Brad: Clifford's out.
Randy: Yeah, he stopped by our house today. He wanted to see our basement.
Wilson: Randy, Randy, isn't your bedroom in the basement?
Randy: This is way too weird.
Wilson: That's exactly what people said at the time. Would you boys like to see a newspaper clipping I saved about the incident?
Brad: Yeah.
Wilson: Go on in the house. I'll just put the cauldron on simmer. [tastes his brew] Needs more monkey head. [gives Tim and Jill a thumbs up]

Brad: This is Clifford.
Randy: And this is his brother, Ezekiel.
Brad: The one he murdered.
Mark: Yeah, right.
Randy: Look, Mark, you gotta believe me. The body might be buried in the basement. Oh, by the way, do you want to switch rooms?
Mark: Forget it. You guys are just trying to scare me.

Al: So, anyway, I stopped by to pick up my head.
Brad: Yeah, it's on the kitchen counter.
Al: All right. Great. OK. You know we're gonna be using this for our annual marathon scare-a-thon. Whooooo! Eileen's going to take out the cranium and put in melon balls.

Al: Hey, look, there's an old picture of Larry.
Brad: Who's Larry?
Al: That's your dad's Halloween guy.
Randy: No, that's Clifford Warren.
Al: Well, that wasn't what he was calling himself when your dad brought him by Tool Time.
Brad: I cannot believe we just fell for this.
Randy: We're idiots.
Brad: It was all set up.
Randy: And we're idiots.
Al: Oh, I feel like I just, oh, messed up a little Halloween prank.
Randy: Just a teeny one. Mom and Dad wanted us to think there was a homicidal maniac trying to get us.
Al: [chuckling] That's a good one.

Tim: What are you doing here?
Al: I came to pick up my head.
Jill: What's the matter?
Al: Well, it-it's Randy. He's really scared.
Tim: All right!
Al: He keeps babbling something about a murderer coming to get him.
Tim: All right!
Jill: I knew this was a bad idea. It's stupid to scare your own kid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Tim: That woman misses the whole point about Halloween.
Al: No, wait a minute. Randy's really scared. He-he's talking about wanting to come over to my house.
Tim: Are you serious?
Al: Would I lie to you?

Jill: Listen, we'll just call a truce. We all had our fun.
Brad: Of course, not as much fun as we had.
Tim: Well, how's that?
Brad: Well, scaring your kids is easy, but scaring your parents is huge.
Randy: Mom, I'll never forget the look on your face. "It's OK, sweetheart, it was just a joke. We made it all up."

Jill: You guys sure you'll be OK by yourselves?
Brad: [mocking] I don't know, Mommy. What if I get scared?
Randy: Yeah, what if the murderer comes to get us?
Jill: Tell him not to make a mess.

Randy: Oh, hi. Great costume. Brad, look, it's our old friend, Clifford.
Larry: Mind if I come in? It's starting to rain.
Brad: Yeah, come on in... ...Larry. [chuckling] Coming in to look for your brother's dead body?
Randy: Ooh, scary.
Larry: Your parents shortchanged me. I want the rest of my money. Where are they?
Brad: Well, right now they're at Al's party, but we'll give them the message and I'm sure they'll get back to you tomorrow.
Larry: Oh, sure. Yeah, right. I want my hundred bucks now.
Randy: Well, we don't have it.
Larry: Yeah, see. Everybody thinks they can kick me around just because I'm the "Halloween guy". Well, you know, Halloween guys have got feelings, you know? And right now, I don't know, this Halloween guy's feeling kind of angry.
Brad: Well, you know what might make you feel better? A granola bar.
Larry: Cash.
Randy: Well, we don't have it. [Larry walks towards him] OK, OK, um... Don't Mom and Dad keep some money for emergencies in the house?
Brad: Sir, I believe it's up in the attic, so we'll go get it right now.