‘Groin Pains’
Season 2, Episode 4 - Aired October 7, 1992
Tim doesn't want Jill to find out that he injured himself carrying a heavy trunk to impress her.
Quote from Brad
Randy: Yeah, this is my costume. I look like an elf.
Tim: No, elves have those pointed shoes.
Randy: Yeah, like these?
Tim: Exactly like those.
Brad: Yeah. They even match his sissy green tights.
Tim: Cut it out. They're not sissy. All your superheroes wear tights. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man.
Brad: Wonder Woman.
Quote from Tim
Tim: You gotta wear tights if you fly, it's an FAA regulation. It's aerodynamic or something.
Randy: Yeah, but I'm not gonna fly.
Tim: What do you mean, you're not gonna fly? You gotta fly. You're the Pan man, man.
Randy: Yeah, well, Mrs. Mellor says I'm supposed to, like, prance.
Tim: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. No, no, no! No, stop doing... Don't do that! No! Men don't prance. We walk, we run, we s...
skip if no one's looking, we jump, that sort of stuff. But we don't ever, ever, prance.
Quote from Tim
Randy: Yeah, but I can't fly. The school doesn't have the equipment.
Tim: They don't?
Randy: No, and nobody knows how to build it.
Tim: Nobody knows how to build it? [grunts]
Randy: Wait. Dad. Dad, no. Dad, cut it out. No. Dad.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You wanna fly? I'm the guy who can fly you. A double-ratchet pulley system. Counterweight or something. I can get you flying at 90mph around that school.
Randy: Well, yeah. I'd rather prance. No one ever died in a prancing accident.
Tim: You know, as I see it, fella, you got two choices. One, you're soaring 30 feet in the air. Swooping, diving, twisting, turning over the audience, they're looking up going: "What's he flying for? What's he... What's he gonna do to us?" Or... prance around in that dorky little green outfit... wearing elf shows.
Randy: Fly me.
Quote from Mark
Jill: Mark, have you seen the ice pack?
Mark: It's in the garage. I'll get it.
Jill: What is it doing in the garage?
Mark: Brad made a parachute for Mrs. Thomson's cat.
Jill: What?
Mark: It didn't work.
Quote from Mark
Mark: Why do you need an ice pack?
Jill: Well, Daddy hurt himself.
Mark: You mean he told you about his man pain?
Jill: His man pain? What man pain would that be?
Mark: It's pain I'm not supposed to tell you about.
Jill: Oh, I already know about that.
Mark: You know he hurt his favorite muscle?
Jill: Sure. I just don't know how he did it, you know. How did he do that?
Mark: Carrying the trunk.
Jill: Oh, right. Carrying the trunk.
Mark: Is Daddy going to be OK?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Daddy's gonna be fine. Mommy's gonna take good care of Daddy.
Quote from Tim
Wilson: Now, what are you doing over there?
Tim: Oh. I'm designing a pulley system to fly Randy for his school play. He's playing Peter Pan.
Wilson: I notice you're hobbling there, Tim.
Tim: Yeah. I pulled my groin muscle trying to lift this trunk for Jill.
Wilson: Ow-Chihuahua. Well, if you needed help, why didn't you call me?
Tim: Oh. I wanted to show her that I could do it myself.
Wilson: Oh, I see. After all this time you still want to impress your bride.
Tim: Yeah, that's kinda it. You know, Jill and I have been married for 13 years.
Wilson: 14.
Tim: 14 years, you know. I still try to show off for her now and then.
Quote from Tim
Tim: Brad, let's start flying. Pull the rope.
Brad: Dad, there's no way we can fly you.
Tim: Yes, there is a way you can fly me. You know why? Because I've got all these pulleys counterweighted, OK? This isn't just piano wire, this is aircraft cable. We could lift Nana with this stuff.
Mark: Wow.
Tim: You're darn right, wow. All right, fly me like an eagle. Pull it up like I showed you. [groans] No wonder men don't play this part.
Quote from Randy
Jill: Tim, what are you doing?
Mark: He's flying, Mom.
Jill: Are you crazy?
Tim: Come on, guys, fly me up so I can see my peahen.
Randy: Mom, Dad called you a pea brain.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Quote from Tim
Wilson: I think what you did had a certain nobility. You see, Tim, you were being a peacock.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, yeah. That's good, huh?
Wilson: Oh, yes. You were trying to impress your peahen by displaying your plumage.
Tim: God, and I pulled the heck out of my plumage.
Quote from Tim
Tim: Earmuffs on. All right, plug me in, Al. I'll need to get AC power to this thing quick, all right? [Al doesn't respond] Plug it in, Al. Al! Al! Fly's down. You're fired! [laughs] You know, ladies, as Al's best friend, I'd like to talk you about him for a minute if I could. The beard, pretty cheesy-looking, isn't it? And those flannel shirts do nothing for me. And as Al's dating record will attest, they don't do much for him either. [Al plugs the jackhammer in]