Tim: Help is on the way. Look what I got. Ibuprofen. I got antihistamines. I got decongestants, analgesics. I got daytime decongestant. I've got nighttime decongestant. You take two of everything here and that flu'll be out of your system in an hour.
Jill: If I take two of everything here, I'll be dead in an hour.
Tim: Think it'll take the whole hour?

Tim: She and Scott are separated.
Jill: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Tim: Apparently, it hasn't been good for quite a while.
Jill: Oh, no. I have to call her. She probably wants a woman to talk to.
Tim: It's all taken care of. She's having dinner with Al.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The most sensitive guy in the world" Borland! Woo-hoo!

Tim: Wait a minute. Hold on. Something's different. Let me guess. Let me guess. You did something with your hair, didn't you?
Jill: It's a sinus mask. OK? But if it doesn't work, it's totally returnable.
Tim: I'd love to be the second owner of that thing. Before you waste any more money on this stuff, Al's got a whole bunch of homoerotic remedies.

Heidi: Stay in the shower, Al. I got it. [answers phone] Good morning. Borland residence.
Tim: [goofy voice] Uh, wrong number. Bye-bye.
Al: [o.s.] Who was it?
Heidi: It sounded like one of the Muppets.

Tim: Oh, God. Oh, God. I've got this image of Al and Heidi. Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Jill: Heidi did not sleep with Al. First of all, she's a married woman.
Tim: And second of all, she, she wouldn't go for a guy like Al. Her husband is tall and handsome. I mean, he spends more time at the gym than Al does at Hickory Farms.

Jill: Honey, I'm not saying that it happened. But I could understand how a woman like Heidi could fall for a guy like Al.
Tim: In what universe?
Jill: Women like Heidi have had the gorgeous hunks. The second time around, they want somebody less exciting, more dependable. Me... I went for number two first.

Al: Hey! How are you doing, buddy?
Tim: Good. You know, I, uh, called your house this morning and Heidi answered the phone.
Al: So, you're Kermit?
Tim: [as Kermit the Frog] Maybe.

Randy: There's 40 bucks well spent.
Jill: Hey, this happens to be the world's best tissue disposer. It shreds, decontaminates, and deodorizes.
Randy: I wonder if it would work on your meatloaf.

Wilson: What Al told me is in the strictest confidence.
Tim: Well, you know, Wilson... I could get you a riding mower from Binford. Sixteen-horse rear-bagger for cost plus ten.
Wilson: Sorry, neighbor. I can't be bought.
Tim: Why would Al tell you and not me?
Wilson: Well, maybe because I didn't search his locker for long brown hairs.
Tim: Which, according to the lab, either belonged to a collie or Al's mother.