Tim: I need another suitcase. You wouldn't believe what the concrete and brick guys are giving out this year. [heavy thud]

Jill: I only got two days to spend with the boys, I was hoping to get an early start, but I can't get Randy and Mark out of bed.
Tim: I got a spare bug bomb. Want to smoke 'em out of there?
Jill: No. But I would like you to try to get them out of bed... a non-toxic way.
Tim: I'd like to, but I gotta get back to my fans. I got pictures to take, autographs to sign. You know, it's...
it's just not easy being me.
Jill: Try being married to you.
Tim: If only that were possible.

Al: You know, if we did a swimsuit calendar, they'd want our autograph, too.
Tim: If you did a swimsuit calendar, we'd be kicked off the air.

Al: Right now, we're at the Precision Bathroom Fixtures booth, where they're showcasing an interesting new product.
Tim: It's actually a home urinal system, believe it or not. It's called Potty Pal. Now, right away I know the value of this. But Lou, why don't you tell the audience why they should be interested in this product.
Lou: Well, Tim, it only uses ten ounces of water per visit.
Al: Ten ounces?
Lou: Yes. And it mounts flush with the wall. [laughs] [Al snorts] And as you can see, it comes in a host of fine decorator colors.
Al: Well, my favorites would have to be the Seafoam Green and the Biscuit.
Lou: And as you also can see, it opens up just like a mailbox.
Tim: You want to look out for that "return to sender" feature, though.

Al: Hot things are happening here at the All Seasons Insulation booth. They're offering an interesting product called cellulose blown insulation. It's made entirely out of newspaper. This is an environmentally sound way to keep your home... comfortable. Plus, if you're ever stuck inside your wall, you'll always have something to read. [snorts] You just pick it out and... ...uh, over to you, Tim.
Tim: "Something to read!"

Tim: Right now, we're at the Frankfort Fan Company located in Frankfort, Michigan. There's nothing I like better than my fans. And just like my fans, these fans come in a variety of sizes, shapes and colors. From big, portable cooling units with six-horsepower motors, to this very innovative little combination light and fan. Light up your workshop and get rid of toxic fumes at the same time. So have that extra bowl of chili, guys. It flips on just... Whoa... uh, look at that, a handy plug, too. Plug her in...
[Tim accidentally plugs in the largest fan in the exhibit. As it whirs, newspapers are blown all over the insulation booth.]
Al: Turn it off! Tim! Turn it off! Somebody turn off the power! Turn it off! Tim! Tim! Turn off the power! Off!
[Tim struggles to get close to the fan to turn it off, so he goes over to the insulation booth with Al and the booth's owner. Tim tries to put the booth owner's wig back on his bald head.]
Tim: Um... I'm, I'm terribly sorry. I'm terribly sorry.
Man: What are you talking about? The Tool Man pulling a stunt like this in my booth is going to be great publicity! How do you think up these gags?
Tim: [drops the wig] Well, the trick is making it look like an accident.

Jill: Guys, it's only gonna be the three of us because Brad's not coming.
Randy: Uh, Mom? I got a favor to ask. You know, I ran into that kid, Kevin, the son of the toilet guy.
Jill: Oh, does he want to go to lunch with us? That's OK. He can come to the Hall of Fame, too.
Randy: Actually, he wants me to go hang out with him down at the Tower City Mall.
Jill: But you'd be missing a chance to see rare memorabilia from rock and roll legends like Jimi Hendrix. You love Jimi Hendrix.
Randy: Mom, I love his music, I don't need to see his lunch box.

Tim: Jill, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! I know you're upset because the boys aren't with you. They just want to do other things. [Jill slaps Tim's arm] Don't take it out on me!
Jill: Mosquito!
Tim: All right, look... You got to understand, when boys grow up, there's a point in their life when they just don't want to hang around Mom.
Jill: Look, I am not just their mom. I am their friend. I'm their confidant.
Tim: And you're also a psychology student, so you should understand this is very normal behavior.
Jill: What would you know about normal?
Tim: I recognize it in other people.

Tim: Al. What's on the slate now?
Al: Well, you're never gonna believe this. But we're booked solid with Tool Time remotes. Thanks to the publicity we gave the mosquito people, everybody wants us to destroy their booth! [chuckles]

Tim: Have you been here all afternoon?
Jill: No. I've been all over town. I went to the zoo, by myself, after having lunch, by myself. And then, I went to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.
Tim: By yourself.
Jill: No. With Roy Belasco.
Tim: Who's Roy Belasco?
Jill: My cab driver. Here's a picture of me and Roy, in front of Elvis's deep-fryer.
Tim: I know how you're feeling.
Jill: Oh, well... There's no way for you to imagine it until you're standing this far from Bob Dylan's third-grade report card. That's a "D" in Chorus, by the way.