Tim: Hey, you're late.
Al: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just lost all track of time. Bob Vila was doing a one-hour special on glue guns.
Tim: Well, at least you have a good excuse.

Al: Well, listen, I'll just keep setting up and you go. Just tell her that I'm busy.
Tim: No, no, no, no. You're gonna tell her you're not having lunch with her.
Al: No, I don't... Well, what am I supposed to tell her? I mean, am I supposed to say, "Stacey, when I'm with you, I don't hear any violins and accordions"?
Tim: You tell her whatever you... Accordions?
Al: In some countries, it's considered the instrument of love.

Al: Welcome back to Tool Time.
Tim: Oh, spring is in the air, isn't it? Birds are chirpin'. Flowers are growin'. Bees are buzzin'. And your wife is whispering something soft in your ear, like: "Hey, you big ape. Get up off that couch and paint the house!" I'm not shutting any game off until I can paint the house a man's way. That'd be using a compressor. Oh, yeah.
Al: That's right, but before you spray, you want to prepare your surface.
Tim: That's right, Al. And that's why today, Al and I will be doing our Tool Time salute... to stripping.
[The audience whoops as Tim pulls down a shutter featuring a picture of a scantily-clad woman with Al's face]
Tim: Excuse me, Al.
[When Al closes the shutter, Tim is holding up another picture of Al's face on a scantily-clad woman]

Al: Tim, that's the last pretzel. Can you break it in half? [Tim breaks the pretzel in two and eats both pieces] Thanks.
Tim: I was thinking about you. You know how salt makes you retain water, buddy.

Tim: I don't want her coming over here. I, like, dumped her, like, 20 years ago.
Al: So?
Tim: So, I don't think I ever called to tell her.
Al: Well, that wasn't very nice.
Tim: I was 18. I was immature back then. I couldn't face things. Let's sneak out of here.

Stacey: Tim.
Tim: It's about 3:30.
Stacey: Tim. Tim, it's me, Stacey Lewis.
Tim: Stacey Lewis, hey. You look great.
Stacey: I haven't spoken to you since high school.
Tim: Has it been that long?

Al: Jill is a terrific woman.
Stacey: Do you know that Tim and I were quite the item until he went off to college? Then I heard he started dating some bimbo.
Tim: That would be Jill.
Stacey: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tim: It's OK.
Stacey: You know, someday I would love to meet the woman who stole you away from me.
Tim: Now, there's a good idea.

[following an awkward lull in the conversation:]
Tim: Stacey Lewis.
Stacey: Tim Taylor.
Al: Al Borland.

Al: So... The old girlfriend.
Tim: What the hell's the matter with you?
Al: What?
Tim: I don't want Jill meeting her.
Al: Why not?
Tim: In college, Jill wouldn't get serious with me until I ended my relationship with Stacey. I didn't know how to tell her, so I didn't call her. But I told Jill that I did call her.
Al: That was a fib, Tim.
Tim: Al, that was a big fat lie.

Al: Well, why did you tell Stacey that Jill would love to meet her?
Tim: Because I'm being polite. People say things they don't mean all the time.
Al: Well, I'm sorry. Next time I'll stay out of it.
Tim: Why don't you.
Al: Well, here, let me get this.
Tim: Picking up the check, huh?
Al: No, I was just being polite.