Tim: Woo! Ow! [muffled mumbling]
Randy: Dad, take off the mask.
Tim: What a rush! Walking through dark, poison-filled hallways. A mission where it could cost me my life! It was unbelievable! It was great!
Randy: Dad, are you sure that mask is completely leak-proof?
Tim: Who said that?

Tim: Another club. I have enough stamps on my hand to mail myself to Caracas.

Jill: Excuse me. I'm sorry. Uh, this is an emergency. You have to let us in. We're searching for a missing person. Her name is Willow. She's about five-foot-three. She has reddish/blondish/brownish hair. She sounds like this. [imitates Willow] Hi.
Bouncer: Oh, just go in. Just go in.
Tim: Thanks a lot.
Bouncer: Wait. Not you.
Tim: I'm with her.
Bouncer: Yeah. But she is cool.
Jill: Oh. Stay here, I'll be back.
Tim: Hold on a second, honey. Hold. Apparently, you don't know who I am. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Bouncer: And I'm Lance "I Hate Your Show" Smith.

Tim: A little later on in the show, we're gonna repaint this little table. This beautiful Irish coffee table. And I'm gonna use Kelly green.
Al: And I'm gonna finish tatting this lovely Irish lace.
Tim: Very McMann-ly, Al. But before we get to that, we have some very special guests for you.
Al: That's right. Nobody knows how to celebrate St. Patrick's Day like the working man.
Tim: And we're talking about the working men from Bay City. Let's give a warm welcome to the boys from K&B. Rock, Pete and Dwayne! Hi. It's great to have you guys here.
Rock: Always great to be here, Timmy!

Tim: Well, so much for the food portion of our St. Patty's Day celebration. Guys, why don't you tell the audience why you really came down here?
Pete: Well, Tim, during breaks up on the high steel, we like to sing traditional Irish folk songs.
Al: I love Irish music. It's magically delicious.
Tim: [Irish accent] And I like it, too!

Pete: Happy St. Patty's Day!
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, the boys from K&B. [When Al manages to get up, his face is covered in green paint] And Al Green.

Wilson: No. It's very good timing since my house is gonna be filled with nerve gas.
[Tim and Jill chuckle]
Jill: I thought he said nerve gas.
Tim: So did I.
Wilson: Well, I did. I did. I'm trying to get rid of the bats in my attic. You know, I've tried every other way. But, alas, it comes down to gas.
Tim: It always does... always does.

Wilson: You know, Jill, there's something that's still bothering me. My niece still hasn't got a place to stay.
Jill: Well, that's weird. I thought she had tons of friends.
Wilson: Well, yes. But have you met them? They're wild. They're irresponsible. I know it's a big favor to ask, but could Willow maybe stay with you for three days?
Jill: I would love that. [Tim fires his bulb blaster into the air] In fact, I'd like to trade her for Tim.

Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Nick.
Tim: Oh, is that Nick the exterminator? Nick, the nerve gas guy. What's shaking?
Wilson: His entire body.

Tim: I love this Moroccan food. You get to eat with your fingers.
Randy: How's that different from the way you normally eat?
Mark: He licks his fingers a lot more.
Tim: I love squab. Mm.
Brad: No kidding. You've practically eaten the entire flock.