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Dead Weight

‘Dead Weight’

Season 8, Episode 24 -  Aired May 18, 1999

After Al decides to propose to Trudy, he takes his mother out for dinner to break the news. Meanwhile, Tim is unhappy when Bud hires a new manager to oversee Tool Time.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hey, I got it. After you tell your mom, let me know. We'll come over and get a little bottle of champagne and we'll celebrate with you.
Al: Oh, that would be great. I could use the support. I'm very nervous about how she's going to react.
Jill: Oh, don't worry. It's gonna be fine.
Al: [sighs] I hope so. I can't believe I'm gonna pop the question!
Tim: Ah, it's a big day in a man's life. It really is.
Al: It sure is.
Tim: Yeah.
Al: Do you remember when you asked your mother for permission to get married?


Quote from Tim

Jill: And if you need any help with the arrangements, we'll be glad to pitch in.
Al: Oh, thank you. Gosh, there are so many details! I have to notify the rest of the family. I have to find a minister. Oh, gosh! I have to buy Mother a burial plot.
Tim: That could get pricey.

Quote from Jill

Al: Oh, thank you, guys, for coming. You remember my brother Cal.
Tim: Cal, sorry about your mom.
Cal: Thank you.
Jill: Hi, Cal. How are you?
Cal: I'm trying to be strong.
Jill: Well, you don't have to be. I mean, a funeral is for grieving.
Cal: You're right. [sobs] I wish I was in the casket with her.
Tim: You're a therapist, right?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I'm glad Al got you to officiate.
Wilson: Well, it's my honor to do it, neighbor. Of course I haven't done a funeral since my last ceremony in Pago Pago. Tim, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a few adjustments on this service. Substitute "Heavenly Father" for "Lizard King."

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Hello. And a big Binford welcome back to Binford's Tool Time.
Tim: You may have noticed a little change in the set here. Well, Binford has to put its name on practically everything.
[As Heidi walks away, the Binford logo is printed on the back of her shorts]

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, today we're going to show you how the experts work with the world's hardest stone, a diamond.
Tim: That's right. In case you just joined us, all the way from South Africa, we have a guest, expert diamond-cutter... Dirk Brodsky. Dirk comes from a long line of diamond-cutters.
Dirk: Oh, yeah. That's right. In fact, I've brought some diamonds cut by my great-grandfather.
Tim: We're looking forward to seeing your family jewels.
Dirk: Humor is such a tricky thing, isn't it?
Al: All right, well, why don't we show you how diamonds are honed using these machines?
Tim: All right. We'll start off with this little saw. What is this for?
Dirk: This is a rotary diamond saw. We cut away the unusable part of our rough diamond and it gives us perfect cleavage.
Tim: And we all know how important perfect cleavage is.
Dirk: Very tricky.

Quote from Tim

Dirk: Over here, this is the brooding machine.
Al: Brooding. Does it come with a self-pity attachment? [chuckles]
Dirk: No. Now, with this machine we shape the outermost edge of the diamond which is known as the girdle. Now, it's critical to keep your diamond at a correct angle in order to avoid girdle stress.
Tim: Something Al's mom knows a lot about.
Dirk: Persistence. Now, over here, this is the polisher. Lou here is shaping and polishing the facets of the diamond using this spinning wheel.
Tim: All right. How long does the whole process take?
Dirk: With jokes like yours, it could take years.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I wonder if Al and his mom are here yet.
[Three waiters walk by carrying an array of dishes]
Tim: I'm guessing yes. Hey, Al. Hi, Alma.
[As Al waves to Tim, a woman off-screen waves a bread stick at him]

Quote from Tim

Antonio: Good evening.
Jill: Antonio. What are you doing here? I thought you were working at that French restaurant.
Antonio: I was traded for a chef and a waiter to be named later. I am so happy to see you.
Tim: Really?
Antonio: No. I'm practicing false sincerity so the Borland party will give me a big tip.
Jill: Well, we're gonna need a few minutes here.
Tim: Just some bread and water to start.
Antonio: How tantalizing! [to Alma] My God! Is that Gwyneth Paltrow?
Al: No, Antonio! That's still my mother. [chuckles]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I've never seen him so nervous.
Tim: Not since we did our salute to propane.

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