Tim: Ooh, Jill, look at this. It's a '29 or '30 Duesenberg, isn't this pretty?
Brad: Dad, check it out. A '32 Packard.
Jill: You guys are starting to drool.
Jay: Hey. Can you people read the sign? No eating... drinking... or drooling! Keep moving.
Tim: All right.

Brad: It's a '46 Ford convertible.
Tim: Excuse me. Don't touch it! [grunts] I think it's a '48, son. No, no, no, no! It's got the marker lights there. Yeah, you're right - it's a '46. Ugh. Boy, what a mess.
Brad: Yeah, it's a piece of junk.
Tim: It needs a lot of work.
Brad: Yeah, but isn't it great?
Tim: We could chop and channel this.
Brad: Shave the bumpers.
Tim: Wait a minute. Put a big block in and retro the interior.
Brad: Yeah. You know how much fun this thing would be to work on?
Tim: You know what I like, what excites you about cars is all the work that goes into them.

Narrator: [on TV] That concludes our look at sexual reproduction habits of the buffalo. Next week, we'll take a look at sex and the humpback whale.
Jill: What is this, the Mating Channel? Can't you guys find something else to watch?
Randy: Fine. We'll just have to learn about the humpback on the streets.

Tim: We all know a Detroit winter can wreak havoc on your roof.
Al: Accumulated snow and ice can melt, then refreeze in your overhang, blocking up your gutters.
Tim: When Al's gutters are blocked, he gets really cranky. His face gets all bloated, big red blotches. "I don't feel so good."

Tim: As fun as that was, I went a different route this morning. I went over to Al's mom's house, chopped off a piece of her home, put snow on it and attached the coils in a zigzag pattern.
Al: This is not a piece of my mother's house. She lives in a perfectly wonderful mobile home.
Tim: You've probably have seen it on the freeways. Goes down, big sign on the back - "Wide load, look out."

Al: Now, the cables are controlled by a thermostat. They turn on when the weather gets cold and they turn off as the temperature rises.
Tim: We've already set the thermostat. Let's show the audience how it works. [sizzles]
Al: How much voltage did you put in this?
Tim: 240.
Al: I believe it's only regulated to 120.
Tim: Right, but it would take 24 hours to melt the ice so I juiced it up a little bit, 'cause we got a show to do here, Al. Look at that. No more blocked gutters.
[After sparks fly and run along the coil, the portion of the roof below the zig-zagging cables is cut clean off]

Jill: You are going jeans shopping, whether you like it or not.
Tim: Hi, guys.
Randy: Come on, Mom, pants are the worst. I mean, as soon as I try 'em on, you stick your hands in.
Jill: Well, I have to see if they fit. You have to do that little jiggle thing.
Tim: Oh, the pant jiggle thing. Very embarrassing. She does it to me.
Jill: Thought you said you liked it.
Tim: I do. Wanna jiggle me later?
Jill: Sure.

Randy: Hey, Mom, why can't Dad take me shopping?
Jill: Oh, there's an idea. Send you to the mall with a man whose fundamental approach to shopping is speed?
Tim: My goal is to spend $0-60 in under four seconds.
Jill: And you don't check labels, you don't compare prices, you don't try anything on.
Tim: That's why they have sizes, honey. I'm a 32 waist, I buy 32 pants.
Randy: 32", Dad? Come on.

Tim: Yesterday we talked about cold, today we're talking about hot. Hot dogs, hot cars, hot rods.
Al: Hot dates.
Tim: Something Al knows very little about.

Jill: You're not getting out of it, Randy. You're going pants shopping in the morning.
Randy: No way, Mom. I'm going with Dad to the hot rod show tomorrow.
Jill: Oh, I forgot about the hot rod show and how much you're looking forward to it. Too bad. You're going shopping with me.