Lillian: Oh, now, come on now, come on. You remember when you girls were little and your father would get up on Christmas and make his famous apple pancakes?
Jill: Oh, yeah. And as soon as he left the room we fed them to the dog.
Lillian: Do you think that's what killed the dog?
Jill: [laughs] Well, it was sweet of him to do it for us. And nice of him to pass his cooking skills along to me.

Brad: Hey, Dad! Your Santa bounced off three different cars.
Tim: What did the judge think of the lights?
Randy: We'll let you know when he regains consciousness.

Tim: Christmas is over, my friend. And your wife might have got you stuff you didn't want.
Al: So, what do you do?
Tim: I say you exchange them for some how-to videos from Binford's new home video collection. Like this one, our newest, Look Who's Caulking.
[Tim and Al narrate a video featuring two babies wearing tool belts]
Tim: [v.o.] The most important thing when caulking is to get a smooth seal. I like to use a harbor seal. [harps like a seal] Right, Al?
Al: [v.o.] I don't think so, Tim. Concentrate on the work or there could be an accident.
Tim: [v.o.] Actually, there's already been an accident. Mom!

Jill: Well, excuse me. I'm having some trouble having to see you with another man, okay? It just seems like, I don't know, like Dad has just been replaced.
Lillian: Replaced? Jill, your father could never be replaced. He's still so much a part of my life that it takes everything I've got to let someone else in.
Jill: I'm sorry, Mom. I just I hadn't anticipated, you know, how hard it would be for me to not have Dad here for Christmas.
Lillian: Well, it's hard for me, too. I mean, as much as I'm trying to move on with my life, it... [sobs] Not having him around just tears my heart out.
Jill: Oh. You don't know how happy that makes me. Well, not happy. That sounded awful!
Lillian: I know what you mean, honey.

Jill: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm trying to black out my windows so I can finally get some sleep.
Jill: Insomnia?
Wilson: No, no, no. "Timsomnia."
Tim: [o.s.] Here they go!
Wilson: Do not look directly into the Jesus.

Lillian: Speaking of having other people around, there's something I need to ask you. Would you mind if I invited a friend to join us for Christmas?
Jill: Oh, a friend!
Lillian: He's really very nice.
Jill: He.
Lillian: His name is Parker and he's an engineer. He's going to be visiting people in Detroit during the holidays.
Jill: Is... Uh... Mom? What are you saying? You're seeing someone? Like dating?
Lillian: Well, I guess that's what you would call it. We've been going out together for a couple of months. I really like him. Would it be all right if he joined us?
Jill: Oh, yeah, sure. It's fine, it's great. Whatever's gonna make your Christmas good for you.
Lillian: I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I was nervous to tell you.
Jill: Oh! Well, now you've told me and now I know. So, there's nothing for anybody to be nervous about.

Lillian: Let me show you his picture. I brought a picture along with me for you to see. Here it is.
Jill: He has a duck tail and you're wearing a poodle skirt.
Lillian: Yes, it it was Fifties Night at Karaoke Pete's Tandoori Kitchen.
Jill: Oh!
Lillian: Parker does a mean Blue Suede Shoes.
Jill: Yeah, I... I see he's wearing some.
Lillian: He's... He's just a wild man. Now, how about that Christmas present?
Jill: Oh. You know, now that I look at this, this isn't the right one. I'm just gonna have to look for it and give it to you later.

Lillian: Would you like to know where Parker and I met?
Jill: Uh-huh. OK.
Lillian: In the frozen vegetable section of the supermarket.
Jill: Nothing says romance like a bag of frozen succotash.
Lillian: Oh, we chatted a little more in paper goods, and ended up exchanging life stories in pet food.
Jill: By the time you got to checkout, you were an item?
Lillian: Well, it didn't go quite like that.

Lillian: You want to know what we did on our first date?
Jill: Yeah, sure.
Lillian: Parker took me dancing.
Jill: I thought you hated dancing.
Lillian: No! Well, it was your father who didn't care for it.
Jill: Do you and Parker go dancing a lot?
Lillian: Every Saturday night. And a couple of weeks ago he took me to a square dance festival in Austin.
Jill: You drove up for the day?
Lillian: Well, actually we made a weekend of it.

Jill: I just... I can't believe the way that she's acting! I mean, it's like Dad never even existed. And the way she goes on and on about her tawdry square dancing weekend.
Tim: Come on, it's just square dancing, honey.
Jill: I could just see the two of them, do-si-do-ing around naked.
Tim: [grimaces] Well, it gives new meaning to the words, "Grab your partner".