Mark: I'd love to go out with Erica. Just all she does is complain about her jerk boyfriend.
Brad: Mark, Mark, wake up. She's using you as her shoulder to cry on. You know what that means, right?
Mark: Yeah. She thinks I'm a girl.
Brad: No. No. She thinks you're a caring, sensitive listener. And when she finally breaks up with that jerk boyfriend of hers, you're in the pole position.
Mark: All I have to do is just sit on the phone and listen?
Brad: You don't even have to listen. Just pretend. Every so often say lines like "I sympathize with your needs." And when you want to whip out the big guns, try "I hurt when you hurt."
Mark: This is so devious. Thank you.

Brad: Okay. Where am I supposed to sleep?
Tim: Randy's room.
Mark: And where am I supposed to sleep?
Tim: Randy's room.
Brad: Wait, wait, wait. Don't we get any say in this?
Tim: Brad, Marty is family. When family's in trouble, we gotta pull together.
Brad: Dad, I'm family. Okay? And I don't like the thought of sleeping in a room with Mark.
Mark: You think you got it bad, I gotta stay with you.
Brad: Yeah!

Jill: Okay, we got the graham crackers for the window shutters, and the licorice for the gutters. I just need those Red Hots for the doorknobs. Where are they? They used to be right here.
Brad: [to Mark] Here. Hide the box.
Jill: What are you doing?
Brad: Taking candy from his younger cousins. He should be ashamed of himself.
Jill: Nice try, Cinnamon Breath. You should be ashamed of yourself for selling out your brother.
Brad: And yet, oddly, I feel great.

Marty: What you working on?
Jill: Oh, I have to write this essay describing myself for the PhD application to U of M.
Brad: Well, tell them you're brilliant, insightful and a great humanitarian.
Marty: I am?
Brad: No. But they don't know that, right?

Wilson: You know, Brad, all I'm saying is, there's a whole world out there for you to explore.
Brad: So, there's gonna be a lot of opportunities for me?
Wilson: Yes, exactly. That's the spirit. Let me ask you something. Aside from soccer, have you thought about what you want to focus on in college?
Brad: Oh, yeah. I think about it all the time.
Wilson: Besides girls?
Brad: Then, no.

Tim: You sound like you're in a better mood.
Brad: Yeah. I just realized I was blaming you because I was seeking rationality in my universe.
Tim: That's some pretty heavy thinking.
Brad: Well, you know me. I'm very deep.
Jill: You been talking to Wilson?
Brad: Yeah, that, too.

Tim: You guys aren't leaving till you both come up with an idea about the hot rod show for me.
Mark: Dad, I got a geometry test.
Tim: Mark, this is important.
Brad: How about a real emotional Tool Time?
Tim: Go with it. Come on.
Brad: What could be more dramatic than giving your eldest son the keys to that '46 Ford?
Tim: Good one.

Brad: Yeah, I can't wait to get up there.
Jill: Honey, I don't know why you're so excited. You know, you're not gonna be able to ski on that knee.
Brad: Oh, I know. There's bound to be a few ski bunnies up there that want to cozy up next to an injured soccer stud.
Mark: Just don't tell them you tripped over a rug.
Tim: Go with something a little more manly, like you were chasing the bulls in Pomona.
Jill: Pamplona.

Jill: And so are my boys. God! Mom, do you know that the second that they got home from school, they called the hospital to tell me that they love me? Have you ever heard of such caring and sensitive teenagers?
Brad: Yeah, as soon as we walked in the door, it was like, there was this voice saying, "Call your mom."
Tim: Why don't you two caring, sensitive teens take your mom's stuff up to her room?

Brad: Wait. You're gonna spend all that money on a greenhouse?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy. I can grow anything I want.
Brad: Can you grow pudding?