Randy: Hey, Brad. Mom and Dad want you to come down for dinner.
Brad: Tell them I'm not hungry. I'm trying to finish this paper and do my math homework at the same time.
Randy: "The Franco-Prussian War was fought in the year 1870 minus the square root of 113."
Brad: Oh, man. How could I have done that?

Tim: I want to thank our special guest Brad Taylor, who filled Al's tool belt admirably. With a few notches left over, I might add. [Heidi stands next to Brad]
Heidi: Goodbye, everybody.
Brad: Nee you sex time. See you next time.
Tim: Bye, folks.

Jill: How could I have done something so stupid?
Brad: They say when two people have been married for a long time they start acting like each other.
Jill: You're not helping, Brad.

Tim: I found the root beer out there. Odd thing, though. I couldn't find the Nomad.
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: It's not in the driveway. It's not in the garage. Where is the station wagon, Brad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad. Maybe it wandered off?

Brad: Well, my car got stolen.
Tim: What?
Brad: Yeah, right in front of the high school. You know, I always had a bad feeling about that place.
Jill: I can't believe it.
Tim: Did you call the police?
Brad: Yeah, I called the police. Then I had to ride home on that stupid yellow bus.
Tim: Well, what did they say?
Brad: "Hey, what's the cool guy doing on the bus?"

Jill: Look, I know the video was bizarre. But isn't there something that you can do?
Tim: Sure. I could present it to the devil as an offering.
Jill: Couldn't you do some sort of special blooper show?
Brad: Mom, Dad already has one. It's called Tool Time.

Jill: You checked out a book? David Copperfield? Since when have you been into Charles Dickens?
Brad: Mom, I love Charles Dickens. "No author has more brilliantly captured the poignancy of youth."
Jill: Give me a break. Why did you check out that book?
Brad: All right. Jennifer's starting to like this new guy named Lance. They talk about reading all the time, and this is Jennifer's favorite book.
Jill: So you said it was your favorite, too?
Brad: Well, yeah. Now I can talk to her about it.
Jill: You must be really worried about Jennifer, 'cause David Copperfield is a long book.
Brad: How bad can it be? On his last TV special, he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Jill: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. No. This is not David Copperfield the magician. This is David Copperfield the tortured waif. You know, 64 chapters' worth.
Brad: Oh, man.

Brad: OK, Randy. It's your turn.
Randy: All right. I'll put an "M" on top of the "E," and then "L-O-N." That's "melon." Double word score - 14 points.
Brad: Pretty good. Watch this. After the "N," I'll add "O-L-O-G-Y." That's 16 points.
Randy: "Melonology"?
Brad: The study of melons.
Randy: There's no such word as "melonology."
Brad: Yeah, there is. Call the fruit section at the grocery store.
Randy: Well, who should I ask for, the melonologist?

Randy: I don't know what she looks like. We've been sending love letters through the Singles bulletin board on the computer.
Brad: So when are you gonna meet her?
Randy: Never. She's 25.
Brad: No way. Why would a 25-year-old girl be interested in you?
Randy: Because she thinks I'm a 32-year-old dermatologist.
Brad: And, um, where did she get that idea?
Randy: That's what I told her. I also told her I'm 6'4" and drive a Ferrari.
Brad: Hm. Wait till she finds out you're 4'6" and pedal a Schwinn.

Brad: What's this?
Jill: Oh. That's a college catalogue with watermelon seeds all over it. I'm checking out colleges.
Brad: Well, aren't I a little young?
Jill: It's for me.
Brad: Well, then, aren't you way old? [off Jill's look] I'm never gonna get my allowance back, am l?
Jill: It's not looking good.