Tim: Hi, welcome to Tool Time. Boy, this is one of our favorite weeks of the year. Right, Al?
Al: That's right, Tim. It's our annual Lawn Care Week, right here on Tool Time.
Tim: And, you know, you're judged by the lawn you keep. Guys, we want people driving by our house and going: "Hey. There's a nice lawn. A real man lives there." But the women don't seem to care. They just drop their ThighMasters and go: "Hey, get out there and cut the grass, will ya?" 'Cause women don't understand. We do not "cut the grass." We mow the lawn. We feed it, we pamper it, we nurture it.
Al: We caress it.
Tim: Al. [whistles] Al. It's a piece of sod. You're not on shore leave, fella.

Al: Well, as you can see, we have several types of grass here for you to consider. Bermuda.
Tim: Beautiful for shade.
Al: Kentucky bluegrass.
Tim: Thick and robust.
Al: And regular fescue.
Tim: Do you suppose if this grass had an emergency, it'd call "Fescue, 911?"
Al: My guess would be "no."

Randy: Phew. Dad, you stink. Light a match, huh?
Tim: It's not me, wise guy, we did a little salute to fertilizer on Tool Time. I got to ride a cow.
Jill: Why? Was the pig in the shop? [laughs]
Randy: Maybe it was in for its 20,000-oink checkup.
Jill: Or it was having its porking brake fixed. [laughs]
Tim: Is there a two-drink minimum in here?
Jill: Honey, go on upstairs and wash up, 'cause at 6:00 on TV they're showing Porky and Bess.

Jill: How's it going, Gus?
Gus: Just fine. I'll be done with the stove in a jiffy. Then I'll get the ice dispenser.
Jill: Ice! I'll have ice. Little frozen cubes of water. I've waited so long. Thank you, Gus.
Gus: My pleasure. I could clean out these ignition holes in the burner if you have a pipe cleaner.
Jill: Yeah, I got some in the garage. I'll be right back.
Tim: Honey, I'm home.
Jill: [o.s.] Hi!
Tim: So, how was your day?
Gus: Fine, thanks for asking.
Tim: Jill, the mustache is different.
Gus: [chuckles] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You're even funny without Al.

Jill: I see you met Gus. Here you go. Gus is almost finished repairing the stove.
Tim: You hired a repairman.
Jill: Yes. I did.
Gus: I hope my work gets the Tim Taylor seal of approval.
Tim: Well, let's see what you did.
Gus: OK. I adjusted the screws on the gas line, checked the electronic ignition switch and replaced the burner manifold assembly.
Tim: Yeah, just what I woulda done.
Gus: Wait till all the guys down at the shop hear that Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor needed me to do his household repairs.
Tim: You don't really need to spread that around.
Gus: Are you kidding? I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

Jill: Wilson, I've been trying to get him to fix that stove for three and a half weeks. That's why I called the repairman.
Tim: I was gonna do it, you just didn't give me the time.
Jill: Tim, you don't want me to nag you about doing the jobs, you don't want to do the jobs, you don't want me to call a repairman. What am I supposed to do?
Tim: Wilson, jump in any time.
Wilson: I'm here for you, Tim. But this time you haven't got a leg to stand on.
Tim: What is this? Gang up on Tim day?

Al: Actually though, when you do sharpen these at home, it gives you a great deal of satisfaction, but it also takes an awful lot of hard work.
Tim: That's true. Which brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day. Every job has one thing in common. It must be done, and it must be done well. You know who said that, don't you?
Al: Yes, I do. I told you that last year.
Tim: You did not.
Al: Yes, I did.
Tim: No, you didn't.
Al: Yes, I did.
Tim: Did not.
Al: Did too.
Tim: Not.
Al: Did. Too.
Tim: Remember, a real man finishes any job he starts. Even if it may be tedious or have no glory. Right, Al?
Al: That's true, Tim. Took me almost a half hour to sharpen these so you could come out, file them for ten seconds and take the credit.

Jim: Now, I always use a string as a guide to give the hedge a nice straight line.
Tim: That's good advice. Good advice.
Al: And for that particular job, Jim would be using the Binford SHD 6500 hedge clippers.
Tim: SHD. That's super-heavy-duty. [grunts] You know, there's a lot of creative ways to trim your hedges. And Jim has been nice enough to bring out some examples of his very nice work.
Jim: Now, Tim, these are called topiaries. Each one takes hundreds of man-hours to shape and cultivate, and up to five years to grow.
Tim: Five years? [whistles] I guess that's why they say: [sings] It's a long way to Topiary It's a long way to go, go, go

Tim: I understand that you... Wh...? [sneezes] Excuse me. I must be allergic to something in here. Oh. Anyway. Thanks, Al. So, I understand you do a lot of this trimming by hand.
Jim: Yes, I do. And with pruning shears.
Tim: [sneezes] Want me to trim a little bit for you?
Jim: You'd better not. It takes a lot of experience. But I'll demonstrate some shaping on the elephant with my pruning shears.
[After Tim sneezes and decapitates the flamingo topiary, Tim and Al both hold the head in place]
Jim: And... There you have it.
Tim: Hey. Very very interesting, Jim, and I really appreciate you being here. And we'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
[As Lisa wheels away the topiary, Tim is left holding the head]
Jim: [gasps] [whimpers]

Tim: OK, all right, all right. The moment has arrived. Here we go. See if we can start this thing. All right? Clear? Everybody? [engine sputters] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! Come on! Daah.
Randy: Boy. Listen to that baby purr.
Brad: Dad, what did we do wrong?
Tim: I don't know. Could be ignition, could be distributor, could be spark plugs.
Randy: Could be you.
Tim: Ease up, wing nut.