Tim: I know what I'm doing here. I'm gonna remodel it to maximize every square inch of that thing. Look what I ordered for you at the Furniture Barn today.
Jill: What did you order for me at the Furniture Barn today? [Tim whistles] A Super Goliath modular closet system.
Tim: Oh-ho-ho. Chrome shelves, tubular steel rods at top and bottom. All the rivets are hidden, you can't even see... Matte-black finish everywhere. It's got seven drawers in the middle of it.
Jill: Tim, I just need someplace to hang my blouses. This looks like an offshore oil rig.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Just like the North Sea, where the men smell like fish. [grunts]

Jill: If, by some slim chance, we did redo the closet, this is the one that I would like.
Tim: The Lady Lavender quilted-vinyl organizer?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah.
Tim: Come on.
Jill: Look, it comes with ten padded scented hangers.
Tim: Scented hangers? I do not want the closet smelling like Madame Foufou's Perfume Parlor. I want it smelling like sawdust... motor oil... the bottom of men's feet.

Wilson: Hi ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?
Wilson: I'm tending my tulips, Tim.
Tim: Little late in the year for that, isn't it?
Wilson: Well, I'm forcing them.
Tim: How? By squeezing their bulbs?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. Forcing flower bulbs is making them bloom out of season by growing them indoors in pots.

Tim: Kinda like when football players, you know, slap each other on the rear end.
Wilson: Exactly! You see, Tim, each man should show affection in the way that he feels most comfortable.
Tim: Mm. A nicely-rolled wet towel. [whip sound] Ow!
Wilson: Well, I myself prefer a warm hug, but I suppose the slashing sting of wet terry cloth has its place.
Tim: Sure did in my high school.
Wilson: Of course, only a man who is truly secure can feel free enough to hug another man.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, secure enough. Oh, yeah!

Al: What does this have to do with stucco?
Tim: Nothing. But Tool Time's more than just home improvement. It's also about male improvement. I think it's time we took a little time out to talk about male appreciation. Like hugging.
Rock: Oh, bubba.
Dwayne: But, Tim, when you asked us to be on this show, you didn't say nothin' about no huggin'.
Tim: Well, it's OK for another man to hug another man, isn't it?
Dwayne & Pete: No.
Dwayne: I don't even hug my wife.
Pete: That's 'cause you can't get your arms around her.

Tim: Well, then, help me out, guys. How does one man show another man he just appreciates what he does?
Dwayne: Well, you buy him a couple Lions tickets.
Tim: Hey, all right.
Rock: Or let him borrow your truck.
Tim: Good one.
Pete: You could pour beer over his head.
Tim: Yeah, yeah!
Dwayne: And I did not appreciate that.

Tim: Hey, bucko. How was school today? Anything your principal wants me to autograph?
Brad: No.
Tim: I was thinking about you at work today. And I think I understand about how you feel about this hugging thing.
Brad: So, I'm not grounded?
Tim: Nice try. No, I just think that maybe sometimes hugging's inappropriate, and maybe I shouldn't have done it in front of your friends. But that's no reason to hit anybody.
Brad: Dad, what do you expect me to do when people are making fun of me?
Tim: I expect you to use your head. Laugh.
Brad: What?
Tim: When people used to tease me, I'd laugh. People can't laugh at you if you're already laughing at yourself. You know what I'm saying?
Brad: You want me to use other parts of my brain besides my fists?
Tim: Yeah. And I know you're having trouble hugging a man. But remember, I'm your father. I'm not a man.

Tim: Anyway, I promise I won't hug you in front of your buddies anymore.
Brad: OK.
Tim: But I'm still gonna say I love you.
Brad: Oh, Dad, that's ten times worse than hugging.
Tim: Wait a minute, hold on a minute. It's not like that. It's like, we'll be at a ball game. Pretend we're at a ball game. Instead of saying, "I love you," I'll say something like, "How 'bout the Lions?" We'll both know what I'm talking about.
Brad: OK. But don't say it too mushy.
Tim: You mean like... "How 'bout those Lions?"

Tim: Welcome to the Tim Taylor clothing-management system. It's unique, it's high-tech, it's the answer to your disorganized prayers. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Jill: I have to use a remote?
Tim: Trust me. Press "one."
Tim's computerized voice: Hello, Jill Taylor. What shall we wear today?
Jill: Hold on a minute. Does this mean I'm gonna have, like, a little man in here watching me get undressed every day?
Tim: Yep.

Tim: If you'll notice, the closet's all cedar lined for all our big clothes. Trousers, jackets, scarves, upper clothes, there's shirts, skirts at the bottom, pants, everything else, OK?
Jill: This is perfect, so far.
Tim: All right. You'll notice all your stuff is pink. I got all your accessories outlined here. I've even got a drawer for your scarves. Open that.
Jill: Oh, OK. Whoa!
Tim: Wait a minute. Could that be potpourri-scented lining?
Jill: I'm still waiting for the explosion.
Tim: Come on. I'd suggest you shut that drawer.
Tim's computerized voice: The drawer is ajar. The drawer is ajar. The drawer is a... [Jill closes the drawer] Thank you.
Jill: You're welcome.