Tim: Harry called me, said my saw blade was in. Where is Harry?
Al: He's home with a nasty bug.
Tim: What, a parasite?
Benny: Close. Delores.
Al: He's home with the flu.

Tim: Do you guys think that alien life exists?
Benny: I hope so. That way I'd have a chance with another species.
Marty: Yeah. I can see it now. You're gently holding her eight-fingered hand.
Tim: While you stare into that one big eye.
Marty: And try to figure out which set of lips to kiss.
Benny: I know you're messing with me, but I'm still getting a little hot.

Al: What's so funny?
Tim: Wilson claims he saw an extraterrestrial.
Marty: Where? His family reunion?
Tim: Extraterrestrial. Like an alien, spaceships, [whistles]...

Wilson: You know, Al, I need some one-half-inch carriage bolts.
Al: They're right over here on aisle 21.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Benny: Would those carriage bolts be for you or are you taking 'em to your leader?
Wilson: My leader?
Marty: Yeah, you know... [makes alien beeping noises]
Wilson: Tim, did you tell them? I thought this was just between the two of us.
Tim: Well, now, it's just between the five of us. It'll go no further than that.
Wilson: Did you tell Jill and the boys?
Tim: All right, the nine of us.
Marty: We're sorry, Wilson. We didn't mean to alienate you.

Wilson: You know, I didn't come to this hardware store to be ridiculed.
Benny: Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable at Larry's Hardware. Today's their "going out of orbit" sale.

Wilson: Well, Tim, thanks a lot. You have made me the laughingstock of the neighborhood.
Tim: I only told nine people, Wilson. Honest.
Milton: [enters] Here's your mail, Al.
Al: Thanks.
Marty: Hey, Milton.
Milton: Hey, guys. Oh, Wilson, something for you, too. A sweepstakes letter from Ed McMartian.

Narrator: [v.o. on TV] You'll enjoy surfing, kayaking and volleyball on our beautiful white sugar sand beaches.
Jill: Wow, that looks great. What is this, the Leisure Channel?
Brad: No. It's a recruiting video from the University of Maui.
Jill: I don't think you're going to a college that's nicer than where I spent my honeymoon. Aren't you supposed to be studying?
Narrator: [v.o. on TV] While you're overlooking the Pacific, you could earn your PhD in marine biology, art history or psychology.
Jill: Hello!

Tim: Well, now every time I try to talk to Wilson, he just shoots me down.
Jill: The reason Wilson's not talking to you is 'cause you really hurt his feelings.
Tim: I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. It's just that alien stuff is so crazy.
Jill: You see? That's the attitude that he's reacting to. Whenever you don't understand something, you just make fun of it.
Tim: I do that even when I understand things.

Mark: Wow. Look at that girl. Better hope Mom doesn't catch you looking at this magazine.
Brad: No, this is a college catalog I got today. It's from Tahiti Tech.
Mark: Man, they let a student walk around campus like that?
Brad: She's the dean.

Tim: This is unbelievable. People all over the world have documented sightings like Wilson's.
Randy: Come on, Dad. Don't tell me you're starting to take this stuff seriously.
Tim: It's not easy to ignore, you know? There's even government documents that show strange phenomena they just can't refute.
Randy: No, Dad. Come on. Crop circles, Roswell cover-up. And, you know, Elvis is alive and running a laundromat in Cleveland.
Tim: Uh-uh. It's a doughnut shop in Dayton.
Randy: You know, I'm surprised at you. I mean, how can a sane, rational... Oh, never mind.