Wilson: You know, Tim, I've never told anybody this, but one night when I was living with my parents outside the Turkish city of Cappadocia... I saw an alien craft land.
Tim: Did you see little green men come out of it?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. These men were bluish-gray. Assuming they were men. I didn't see any sexually distinguishing features.
Tim: Well, you had just met.
Wilson: Oh, I tell you, it was an amazing thing. I'll never forget it.
Tim: Well, how'd the night go? Some cocktails and a quick probe?
Wilson: Oh, Tim! I never should've told you about this.
Tim: No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Wilson. I understand completely what happened. Have you been inside shellacking all day? Because if you don't get enough ventilation, it can really, you know... I do that, I think I'm Aquaman.

Tim: I'm serious. He said he had an encounter with extraterrestrials.
Randy: Or he dipped into the festival wine a bit early.
Jill: Well, I wouldn't dismiss him so quickly, guys. I mean, there has been lots of documentation about peoples' encounters with aliens.
Tim: You think there's a real possibility?
Jill: Look, there's some really respected institutions that have entire departments devoted to paranormal studies.
Tim: Ooh, yeah. The department of ooo-eee-ooo.

Tim: What you got, Wilson? Some rare Amazonian plant you crossbred with, like, a North African variety?
Wilson: They're petunias. Good day, Tim.
Tim: Wait a minute, Wilson. I was wondering if maybe that spaceship you saw is the same kind that the army found in Roswell.
Wilson: What do you know of Roswell?
Tim: Well, I know that a lot of people think a flying saucer crash-landed there. I also know about Sheffield, England. In 1962 there was a spectacular sighting there. And in Mexico City, 198-
Wilson: '83.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: You know, Tim, with the difficult time you gave me, I'm kind of surprised you're taking such an interest in unexplained phenomena.
Tim: Well, I figured if a real intelligent guy like you was interested in the stuff, maybe I should learn more about it, so I went on the Internet and I found out there's a lot of people have had experiences just like yours, and not just people with a shellac dependency.

Tim: Thank you, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Hugh Hefty.
Al: All week long we've been showing you things that make men's lives easier.
Tim: Yesterday it was wives with laryngitis. But today it's our Tool Time salute...
Tim & Al: [on TV monitor] To remote control.
Al: [on TV monitor] The first television remote was connected to the TV with a wire. It was invented in 1950.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Al, my dad had a wireless remote control that was voice-activated in 1950.
Al: [on TV monitor] Tim, that's impossible.
Tim: No, it's not. It was called Mom.
Al: Ladies, write to Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, PO Box 327...

Tim: OK, now we get to the ultimate in remote control.
Al: And what would that be?
Tim: It's called virtual reality. You become the remote control. You become part of the action.
Al: What kind of action?
Tim: You name it. Car racing, football... How about basketball? How would you like to go one-on-one with Grant Hill?
Al: Oh, that would be great!
Tim: Slip these on. These are virtual-reality optical sensing devices.
Al: Oh, the circuitry must be incredibly small. They look like regular sunglasses.
Tim: Now, slip your hand into this. This is a tactile sensory device.
Al: Well, this looks just like the work glove that disappeared out of my locker.

Wilson: Aah! Oh!
Tim: Did I scare you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, not you. It's that flying baked potato.
Tim: Well, the manufacturer says it looks like an alien spaceship. I think it looks like a big Jiffy Pop container.

Wilson: You know, I tend to agree with you. A real spaceship would have some form of internal propulsion.
Tim: Right. Should look more like a saucer.
Wilson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. An iridescent glow.
Tim: A low hum.
Wilson: Yeah, 26 diamond-shaped windows all in a row.
Tim: What flying saucer are you talking about? The one out of Forbidden Planet or The Day The Earth Stood Still?
Wilson: Oh, I wasn't talking about a movie.
Tim: What were you talking about?
Wilson: Well, nothing. Oh, look at the rain.

Randy: What are those?
Brad: College catalogs. In case I don't get that soccer scholarship, I need to figure out a great place to go to college.
Randy: The University of Hawaii. Cancun College. Virgin Islands State? You going to college or on a cruise?
Brad: All these schools have great academic programs.
Randy: Is that why you divided them into beach schools and ski schools?

Tim: I had a weird discussion with Wilson.
Jill: Why, what's new with him?
Tim: He claims he had an encounter with space aliens. He saw these blue-green creatures when he was staying with his folks in a Turkish town, Cappuccino.
Jill: Were they covered in foam and sprinkled with cinnamon?

Randy: You know, Mom, with all the money spent on research, they still don't have any proof alien life exists.
Jill: They don't have any proof it doesn't exist.
Tim: Well, I guess we know who are the sane members of this family.
Randy: Don't lump me in with you.