Tim: Hey, where have you been?
Jill: Well, let's see. After I ate dinner alone, then I went to the mailbox and mailed the 250 flyers which I stuffed, stamped and addressed myself because you took the boys to play basketball.
Tim: I guess I should have stuck around and talked to you.
Jill: I would have preferred that, yeah.
Tim: I'm sorry, Jill, but, you know, I didn't know really how to talk about any of this stuff. I'm really uncomfortable with this death thing. Which is why we have kids instead of pets, 'cause they last longer.

Jill: Honey, I knew that you were upset about it.
Tim: But, you know, you didn't know why. John Binford was the greatest guy in the world to me. And you know what the first thing I thought about when I heard he was dead? Are they gonna cancel the show? Am I out of a job? That is so selfish.
Jill: I don't think that's selfish. You were thinking about the welfare of your family. It's not selfish.
Tim: What if I told you I was worried if the show went off the air, no one would recognize me at the mall?
Jill: That would be a selfish thing, yeah.

Tim: I just don't know how to mourn for John Binford.
Jill: Is there anything I can do to help you?
Tim: No. I'm pretty sure that people have to learn how to mourn for themselves. You know, people mourn in different cultures in different ways. I know in some cultures, they put chocolate puppets in coffins. And in the Chinoogie Islands, or someplace, they actually hang arms on aluminum siding as a way to do this. And Ronny the samurai - you don't even wanna know what he does.
Jill: I don't know, Tim. It may take a while, but I think that you're gonna find a way to grieve. You know, I just hope that you don't cut anything off.

Tim: Anyway, today, we're gonna talk about John Binford.
Al: Founder of Binford Tools.
Tim: Uh, John Binford passed away this Thursday. And, um... John Binford was a heck of a guy. He was the kind of guy you could call 24 hours a day if anything as bothering you. He was always there for you.
Al: The kind of guy who would forgive someone for being curt.
Tim: Or Russell or whatever your name might be. Uh... John Binford believed in me when I was just a tool salesman many years ago. And he handpicked me to host what has now become... Michigan's fourth-highest-rated cable tool show. I owe a lot to John Binford. And in his honor, I've made him a special tombstone. Al. This is outta one piece of Michigan limestone.
Al: I'm very impressed, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Al. I chiseled this out of limestone in the shape of a claw hammer, which is the first hammer that Binford designed.
Al: Yes, it was.
Tim: Uh, John once told me that... with the right tool, you can fix anything. Huh. Unfortunately, um... there's no tool that can fix how I'm feeling right now. I'm gonna miss you, John.

Jill: Tim, you know what my problem is? [Tim is focused on the TV] Tim! You know what my problem is?
Tim: Huh?
Jill: You know what my problem is?
Tim: You repeat yourself.
Jill: No. I am just too nice.
Tim: That's what I was gonna say.
Tim: Can I watch this fight, please?
Jill: No. Here. Wait.
Tim: Why are you turning the sound down?
Jill: Because I need your help. Here...
Tim: What's the point of listening to the fight if I can't hear their skulls being batted around?

Tim: What kind of grooming tips you got for us?
Pete: Well, Tim, probably the biggest concern in construction today is when you've got to go somewhere really fancy straight from the job site.
Dwayne: That's right, buddy. You can't show up looking like this to Vegas Night at the Kiwanis.
Tim: So... what's a guy to do?
Gus: Well, Tim, we like to use the tools of our trade to clean up our act. Let me show you. Tim, I want you to take a look at my boot and tell me what you see.
Tim: All right. Marv, move in and let's take a look at this. Oh. Good golly, Molly. I see a little bit of concrete shavings, maybe some tar... something maybe you should have wiped off before you came in.
Gus: Well, it's not gonna look like that for long, 'cause all I have to do is take an ordinary sock, roll it around my screwdriver like this, stick the screwdriver in my drill... All right. And voilà, I've got myself a nifty boot buffer.

Pete: Tim, I've found that a good, strong air compressor... works beautifully to add bounce to a lifeless hairdo.

Tim: Oh, that was a fun show. Thanks, guys. A lot of fun.
Al: Brace yourself, Tim. Something awful has happened.
Tim: You saw your mom in the shower?

Al: How can you play darts at a time like this?
Tim: Because the foosball table's broken.
Al: Mr. Binford passed away. Don't you think we should talk about this?
Tim: He's dead. Now get outta my way.
Al: I think you need to grieve.
Tim: I think you need to get outta my way, Al.

Al: Sorry, Tim, but I... I don't have my usual sense of humor. And frankly, I find your attempt at levity a little inappropriate.
Tim: What am I gonna do, cry in my beer?
Al: Well, if you did, I wouldn't look down on you.
Tim: It's not gonna bring him back. All right?
Al: That's not the point. You suffered a big loss. We all did. [sobs]
Tim: Pull it together, will you, Al?
Al: I just... I didn't really need that spigot! I just thought maybe it would be nice to have some hot chocolate once in a while.
Tim: [to the other patrons] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts.