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Al's Video

‘Al's Video’

Season 6, Episode 5 - Aired October 15, 1996

When Al gets a job presenting a how to video about tools, he invites Tim to be the project's director. Meanwhile, Jill gets a new computer.

Quote from Al

Tim: Okay, today Felix is gonna show us the proper way to caulk a toilet, shower or sink.
Felix: And I can also show you how to caulk your windows and glass doors.
Tim: Good, we'll see that later.
Al: Well, in the interest of time, why don't we concentrate just on bathroom fixtures?
Tim: Al's always interested in saving time, even at the expense of quality.
Al: I am all for quality, but time is money.
Tim: Always money? That how you see it?
Felix: Getting back to caulking... There are different types: Acrylic with latex, oil-based and silicone.
Tim: Marv, why don't you come in and get a nice product shot here?
Al: Why not a panoramic shot, Tim? Bring in a crane. Or we could rip off the roof and get a shot from a helicopter.


Quote from Tim

Tim: Felix, do you see any problem with a guy showing a little pride in his work?
Felix: I'm just here to caulk a toilet.
Al: Well, why don't we get back to the different types of caulking guns?
Tim: Yes, why don't we?
Felix: Uh, those are electric guns. You might want to be careful... [Tim fires caulk at Felix] ...with those triggers.
Tim: Sorry, Felix, I didn't mean to do that.
Al: You'll have to excuse Tim. He has a tough time keeping things under control.
Tim: I know how to control myself, Al. [shoots caulk at Al]
[After Tim moves out of the way when Al goes to shoot caulk at him, Felix gets hit once again]
Al: I am so sorry, Felix. I am so sorry!
Felix: I don't need this. [stammering] I could be cleaning out a septic tank!
[As Tim bends over, Al shoots caulk at his rear end. When Tim stands up, he's holding a gigantic "Binford 6100" caulking gun. Tim waves for Felix to get out of the way.]
Tim: Move over! [shoots caulk at Al]

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Shalom, good neighbor.
Tim: OK. Well, you finished your vegetable hut. I'm sure it commemorates something.
Wilson: This, Tim, is a sukkah. It is what is built for the Jewish harvest festival of Sukkot. Which, yes indeed, does commemorate the ancient Hebrews wandering through the desert.
Tim: I'd be wandering around looking for the bathroom.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, the tribes of Israel have celebrated in these symbolic structures for thousands of years.
Tim: It'll be a thousand years before I celebrate with Al again. He'll be picking caulk out of his beard till the next Sukkot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Al.
Al: What are you doing here?
Tim: Well, I'm thinking about the immortal words of Aristotle. "Only the boss should be able to invite a thousand people to have dessert."
Al: Must have lost something in the translation.

Quote from Mark

Jill: OK. I've loaded all the research data. Now what do I do?
Mark: You pay your computer consultant.
Jill: How about dinner and a roof over your head?
Mark: Fair enough.

Quote from Harry

Al: Tim, I-I-I... We're starting to get way behind schedule. We have to be out by 4:00.
Tim: Harry will let us shoot past 4:00, right?
Harry: Yeah, sure, if you got a part for me. You know, I do a great Brando. [imitating Marlon Brando] Stella!
Tim: We can be out by 4:00.

Quote from Randy

Brad: You got a new computer.
Jill: Yeah. Your father crashed my old one for the tenth time. The guy at the store said I should get something small and easy to hide.
Mark: It's a really cool laptop.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: It really is. I have a CD-ROM, a scanner and I'm not sure what's in that box.
Randy: It's Styrofoam packing material.
Jill: Not that.

Quote from Jill

Tim: [whistles] Hey. You got your new computer. Yippee-ai-kai-aye-ai-oh. Look at all that stuff there. I hope you got my favorite game, Monkey Town.
Jill: It didn't come with any games.
Tim: Boy, they saw you coming.
Jill: Tim, this is not a toy. This is a serious tool. Now come over here and see all the way-fun stuff I got to go with it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And action.
Al: Welcome to How to Stock Your Toolbox. I'm Al Borland, your host. Al Borland. Take a stroll with me down aisle one, as we explore the exciting world of screwdrivers.
Tim: Cut. Good. Let's move on.
Al: OK. Where do you want me to stand?
Tim: Out of the way. OK. Manuel, this is gonna be a panoramic shot of the screwdriver aisle, right. Why don't you come down here, long shot. All right, let's start with the slotted screwdrivers and then zoom in on the Phillips head and a nice dramatic tilt up to the torque screwdrivers in the back, okay?
Al: Well, Tim, we don't have time for all this artsy camera work. We have two days to do this.
Tim: I got all the shots right up here.
Al: Well, my idea for the video is to be simple and direct.
Tim: I'll take simple and direct and expand it, mold it, shape it and make it... good. Come on, trust me, my little pumpkin.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Pull back from the combination wrenches. Not so fast! Come on. Not so fast. All right. Steady. Slow pan across the ratchets. Cut. Perfect. One more time.
Al: If it was perfect, why one more time?
Tim: I got a vision. Start on a tight shot of the ratchet wrench, which is the heart and soul of the wrench family. Can you feel it?

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