Al: Well, I've invited her over for Friday night. Told her there would be a few people. Now I just have to find a few people. Would you and Jill like to come?
Tim: Can't make it. And if you were smart, you wouldn't show up either.
Al: Why?
Tim: Jill is the world's worst matchmaker. She put seven couples together. Six are getting divorced.
Al: Well, maybe we would be like the seventh couple.
Tim: The seventh couple couldn't get married. Turned out they were cousins.

Tim: How about a little demonstration?
Chuck: Yeah. This first one, Tim, is a real classic. It's handmade bamboo.
Tim: [whistles] Look at this.
Al: That's a good-looking rod.
Chuck: The prices for that start at about... [Tim breaks the rod] $800.
Tim: Now it's $1600. You got two of 'em. Well, we have an insurance policy for these little accidents.
Al: Actually, Tim, our insurance cancelled after the fourth show.
Tim: Well, glue it.

Tim: What do we got now?
Chuck: Well, this next one's my personal favorite. This is a Morgan BXL graphite. Not even you can break that, Tim.
Al: Don't bet on it.
Tim: That's a beauty. Look at that thing. I bet you'd get a big old stinky bass on this thing. Hey, Al. Open up.
Al: Well, you want to be careful using a graphite rod in a lightning storm because it is an excellent conductor of electricity.
Tim: Oh, yeah, we've been known to have a lot of electrical storms in the studio.
Al: Well, I'm just saying that if they happen to be in an area that is susceptible...
[After Tim swings the rod up and hits a lightbulb, sparks fly and he trembles as he walks off set]

Mark: Mom, can we have corn on the cob Saturday night?
Jill: Sure. Why?
Mark: Not supposed to tell.
Jill: If you want corn, you'll tell.
Mark: OK. Isiah Thomas is coming to dinner and he really loves corn.
Jill: Isiah Thomas?
Mark: You can't say anything to anybody, OK? [gives Jill the letter]

Jill: By the way, keep Friday open. I got sleepovers for all the kids. We are going out.
Tim: All right! You know, we almost got roped into going to Al's house. Where are we going?
Jill: Al's house.
Tim: No!

Ilene: This really isn't like me, being late. I mean, normally I am right on time. Or early.
Jill: Well, what a coincidence. Al is always early. Isn't that right, Tim?
Tim: Yeah. Sometimes he shows up before he's invited.

Ilene: I just had one of those days where I couldn't get out of the office. And then on the way over here my car stalled.
Tim: I'll take a look at it. [Jill nudges Tim] Al should look at it. He should look at it.
Al: Ilene, I would love to look under your hood. I mean... I mean of your car! Of her car!
Ilene: Al, you have a great sense of humor.

Jill: "I'd love to be the father of your children." I still can't believe the woman didn't go running out of the apartment, screaming.
Tim: That's 'cause she's just as desperate as he is. Honey, you've got to applaud yourself. They're a perfect match.

Jill: We gotta talk to Al.
Tim: What are you doing? Don't talk... No.
Jill: They're going way too fast. Way too fast. She practically moved in before dessert. Her car stalls once on the way over, and by the end of the night, she thinks she can't make it home? "Oh, gee, Al. Maybe I'd better stay on your couch." How long do you think she's going to be alone on that couch?
Tim: Knowing Al, six months. Come on.

Jill: Hey, Mark. Look at this. You got a letter from Isiah Thomas.
Mark: Wow! Another letter. Cool! Isiah's leaving me five tickets to the Bulls game!
Randy: Wait a second. Let me see that. Oh, man. Courtside seats for the whole family. All we have to do is present the letter.
Tim: Wait a minute. Let me see that. Right. We're invited to the locker room to get an autographed game ball after that?
Brad: Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it!
Tim: Oh, my gosh, I can't either.
Jill: Well, I don't believe it. Did you guys write this?
Brad: No! I swear!
Randy: Really, Mom, we didn't.
Brad: Yeah, we wrote the other one!