Jill: Besides this woman is perfect.
Al: What's her name?
Jill: I don't know.
Tim: So she's a good friend?
Jill: She is the sister of the woman I sit next to at work. She's supposed to be very sweet. I'll call Beth, get her number, then call you. Then you call her, then you call me and tell me everything she said.
Tim: No, no. Then you call me. I'll call Eddie, he'll call Freddie, we'll all get pedicures.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: It's "Tool Time"!
Heidi: That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Tim: Well, you brought a nice selection of rods here. Boy, I'd love to see a worm try to wiggle off one of those big bad boys, huh?
Chuck: Well, actually, Tim, with fly-fishing, there's no live bait involved. The fish are drawn to the fly. And under the heading of flies, you've got two basic types.
Tim: The opened and closed, Chuck. [laughs]
Al: I think Chuck was referring to the dry fly and the wet fly.
Tim: This is a joke, Al.
Al: The dry fly floats on top of the water, whereas your wet fly...
Tim: Has kept you out of every major restaurant in the Detroit area.

Mark: But the letter looked so real.
Tim: Let me give you some guidelines here. If something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy that it happened, it's probably not a good thing.
Mark: I'm gonna get them back!
Tim: Wait. What are you gonna do to 'em?
Mark: I'm gonna tell them that they're ugly and that their feet stink.
Tim: [whistles] Ouch! You know, it's probably not a good idea to tell 'em stuff they already know. Think of something, all right?

Jill: You are just not getting this at all. These people are not acting rationally.
Tim: You're not acting rationally.
Jill: Hey, you cannot build a relationship based on desperation.
Tim: We did!

Tim: All right, look, I won't call Al, I'll talk to him tomorrow. OK? It's a waste of time. They would work this out by themselves. You know when you first get in a new relationship, you're on an emotional high. But after a while, you come crashing down to reality. I know I did.

Tim: Happy hour, Wilson?
Wilson: [chuckles] No. No, no, no, Tim. I find that two coats of bourbon give my paintings a nice gloss.
Tim: Two coats of bourbon will give anybody a nice gloss.
Wilson: You know, Tim, it was rumored that the Mona Lisa was covered with a splash of whiskey.
Tim: That would explain why she had that little plastered look.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, that look may have had more to do with her supposed relationship with Leonardo da Vinci.

Tim: Are you out of your mind?
Al: On the contrary, Tim. I've never felt clearer.
Tim: You've only known the lady a couple of days!
Al: Yes, but I know everything about her.
Tim: Is she married?
Al: I don't know.
Tim: Is she from around here?
Al: I don't know.
Tim: Is she allergic to flannel? Does she have any weird tattoos? Can she digest asparagus properly?
Al: I don't know!

Tim: Now, we eat.
Jill: OK, who wants sleeve, who wants armpit?
Mark: Sleeve.
Brad & Randy: Pits.
Jill: OK. Tim?
Tim: I'll just take a little chest hair.

Al: Her name's Ilene and she's an orthodontist.
Tim: Who?
Al: The woman that Jill found for me. Thank you. I just spoke to her on the phone. She has a delightful sense of humor. Listen to this. How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer? She makes him a retainer. [snorts]
Tim: I think I know why she's available.