Jill: Well, it was encouraging. I mean, he's finally interested in something. And it's gonna include the whole family. It's good.
Tim: Little problem, though.
Jill: What?
Tim: My contract demands.
Jill: Which would be?
Tim: I don't work cheap. I do not do nude scenes. [Jill laughs] Unless it's integral to the plot.

Ronny: Halloween film, take three.
Mark: And action!
Tim: [enters] Hi, honey. I'm home.
Jill: Hi, sweetie. How was your day at the office, Jim?
Tim: [laughs] Peachy, Lil. Say, I got the Dithers account. Which means that washer/dryer combo is all yours.
Jill: What a fella! Now we can be the family of tomorrow today.
Tim: Look, it's our two sons, Chad and Andy.
Brad: Hey, great news, Mom and Pop! As you know, I'm very athletic. And today, as always, I scored the winning touchdown.
Tim: Crackerjack, son!
Jill: That's wonderful! Have a cookie!
Brad: Thank you.

Tim: Come on. We're doing this to help Mark out. And you know what? Just for starting out, I think it's a pretty damn good movie.
Brad: Not surprising considering your favorite film is Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
Tim: Hey, that movie was important! It was about relationships.

Jill: If this movie is bad, Mark is just gonna be devastated. Then he's gonna go back to moping all the time.
Tim: Jill, you're jumping the gun. This movie, it's bound to get better.
Jill: It could just be that, you know, it just starts out with the happy family.
Tim: Yeah, yeah.
Jill: And once you get to know and love us, we get terrorized by blood-sucking cannibals.
Tim: Perfect! Yeah!
Jill: ...who rip up our flesh and eat us alive!
Tim: Yeah! A love story! I like it!

Tim: Well, I finished.
Jill: What did you do to it?
Tim: I modified it for my rematch with Al. This is the only gourd in the city with an anti-sway bar on it.

Tim: [on Mark's video] Hi, honey. I'm home.
Jill: [on Mark's video] Hi, sweetie.
Tim: It's black and white. I look good in black and white.
Jill: Unfortunately, I have to live with you in color.

Mark: Mom, Dad, we're almost ready for your scene.
Jill: This is creepy.
Tim: This is great! I can't wait to do this scene. And look at this. These little wax heads. They look just like Randy and Brad. [Tim feels their faces]
Brad & Randy: Dad!
Jill: Gosh, this is awful! I mean, look at this altar. And the heads in the basket. And the fog. It's giving me the willies.
Tim: But he's decapitated his brothers in such a fun, creative way.
Brad: We're not dead yet. Mark just wanted to see how our heads would look in a basket.
Tim: You know, I've often wondered that myself.

Brad: If you were gonna be executed, how would you dress?
Randy: Very slowly.

Jill: These last few months you've been really quiet and withdrawn.
Mark: Maybe that's just how I am. You know, I'm not like Brad and Randy.
Jill: Nobody's asking you to be like Brad and Randy. You're different. That's OK.
Mark: It doesn't seem OK.
Tim: What do you mean?
Mark: I mean, you don't like my clothes. You don't like my friends.
Jill: OK. OK. Look, it is hard to come downstairs one morning and find your son suddenly dressing, all the time, in nothing but black clothes.
Tim: Yeah. And with black nail polish.
Jill: But, you know, given some time, we're adjusting to that.
Mark: What about Ronny?
Tim: It might take a little longer to adjust to that.

Jill: Look, honey, just because I may not like one of your friends, or your movie is so good that it freaks me out, doesn't mean that I don't love you as much as I love your brothers. And we want to support you in whatever it is that interests you.
Mark: You're not just saying that?
Tim: No.
Jill: Of course not.
Tim: We're your parents. We're here to help.
Mark: You really want to help?
Tim: Yeah.
Mark: Let me chop off your heads.