Lorelai: Oh, look. "Sniffy's Tavern: A story of love." Oh, a story of love. "Maisy Fortner and Bertram 'Buddy' Linds met at a high-school basketball game. She was playing, he was not. They fell in love, got married. Buddy went to work at a dairy, and Maisy worked at the school, but they dreamed to someday own a restaurant so that all of their friends and family could come and eat and visit and laugh with them every single day."
Luke: Buddy hated working at that dairy.
Lorelai: "One day Sniffy, their beloved dog, ran away. Maisy and Buddy searched high and low for him. Finally they stumbled past a dilapidated old tavern that had been boarded up for years. They heard a dog howling. They forced open the door, and there was Sniffy, stuck underneath a fallen beam. Maisy and Buddy pulled Sniffy free and rushed him to the vet, where he immediately went into emergency surgery." Oh my God, did Paul Thomas Anderson write this? Edit, people.
Luke: You don't have to read the whole thing. There's not gonna be a quiz.
Lorelai: I'm almost done. "Four hours later, Sniffy was dead. " Sniffy was dead?! Are you serious? Where's the happy ending?
Luke: Well, that's what happened.
Lorelai: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy, to be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu.
Luke: Not that many people read the back of the menu.
Lorelai: [to the waitress] Did you know about the whole Sniffy thing? [the waitress nods]
Luke: If it makes you feel better, Sniffy was 150,000 years old.
Lorelai: You're lying.

Lorelai: [groans] Mmm.
Luke: Sorry. I forgot to turn the alarm off.
Lorelai: Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm. What time is it?
Luke: Early.
Lorelai: Hate early. Must kill early. Okay. I gotta get up.
Luke: Why?
Lorelai: Work. Inn. Buy shoes. [sighs] Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
Luke: I don't have coffee up here. It's all downstairs.
Lorelai: [groans] Downstairs.

Lorelai: Well, I think people are gonna know.
Luke: What? What are you talking about? Why are you wearing my shirt?
Lorelai: I put it on to go get coffee.
Luke: Downstairs?
Lorelai: Well, you don't keep it upstairs.
Luke: The diner's open.
Lorelai: You're kidding!
Luke: You walked into the diner like that?
Lorelai: I didn't think the diner could open without you.
Luke: I had Caesar open.
Lorelai: Well, he did, with a floor show.

Luke: Okay, so, maybe nobody noticed.
Lorelai: Look at me!
Luke: Okay, yes. Well, but you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: They usually include pants.
Luke: Huh. Okay, so they know. So what? I mean, they're gonna find out eventually, right?
Lorelai: Right. So, we'll hear about it for a few days.
Luke: Few weeks.
Lorelai: Six months of hearing about it, but then it'll die down.
Luke: We'll be used to it.
Lorelai: And everything will get back to normal, so, okay, well, they know. It's out.
Luke: It's out. Where's your coffee?

Emily: I smelled something funny earlier in the northeast corner of the kitchen.
Madonna Louise: I sprayed for ants this afternoon.
Emily: Oh, Madonna Louise, I told you never spray that poison all over the place. You simply have to kill the scout ants so they don't go back and tell the rest of them where the food is.
Madonna Louise: I know Mrs. Gilmore.
Emily: You kill the scouts, or you use the chalk that we bought in Chinatown last month.
Madonna Louise: Okay, Mrs. Gilmore.

Luke: How did I get rooked into this?
Lorelai: Uh, I'm irresistible?
Luke: Yeah. Well, have I mentioned I hate town meetings?
Lorelai: No. I thought you said you hate clown bleedings, which I totally agree with.

Emily: [on the phone] The most bizarre thing has happened. At I was about to go upstairs and read, and I suddenly heard a car.
Lorelai: Uh-huh.
Emily: I ran to the window just in time to see your father driving away.
Lorelai: Uh-huh.
Emily: He was driving away at 7:30 at night.
Lorelai: Uh-huh.
Emily: Lorelai!
Lorelai: Was he driving backwards or with his feet?
Emily: Where was your father going at 7:30 at night?
Lorelai: Well, maybe he had a business meeting.
Emily: At 7:30 at night? What, has he suddenly become a bootlegger?

Lorelai: Your fault.
Luke: How was that my fault?
Lorelai: Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting, so I wasn't thinking, and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered. Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.

Paris: You know, it's funny, but Asher died right at the height of my passin for him. I kind of wonder what would have happened if he had lived. Would I have stayed in love with him forever?
Rory: I don't know.
Paris: He died before I could find out. Now I'll always be in love with him. He's my Mike Todd.

Taylor Doose: A very serious matter has been brought to our attention, and I would like to bring to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications of the inn owner and diner owner dating.
Lorelai: [gasps] That's us.
Luke: They're talking about us.
Taylor Doose: Now, as you all know, the relationship we have feared for some time has emerged, and we need to carefully consider whether or not we can support this.
Lorelai: Oh, my God.
Luke: We're sitting right here!
Taylor Doose: Yes, we see you, Luke, and, as a member of the town, you are welcome to voice your opinion.
Luke: Voice my... [stammers]
Taylor Doose: I open the floor up for discussion.