Paris: Rory, I clocked in.
Rory: Cool.
Paris: They gave me this card, and it had my name on it. And I shoved it in the clock thing, and it made the punchy sound, and I'm officially on the job.
Rory: Great.
Paris: And I'm prepared, too. I was a little nervous last night about making small talk with co-workers, so I went to the video store and rented Working Girl and the first season of Just Shoot Me! Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots that have already come in handy.

Jackson: So did anybody see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai: Where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson: No.
Sookie: Where they're solving crimes from 30 years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson: No.
Lorelai: Oh. The one where people are missing, and they find their bodies, cut them open, and poke their organs, and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson: No.
Lorelai: What else is on?

Emily: She's not serving salmon puffs.
Richard: Good night, Mr. Beckett.
Emily: We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in 25 years have we staged an event without salmon puffs.
Richard: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at 3, recite the periodic table at 4, discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was 10. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.
Emily: Fine, go back to your Beckett.
Richard: Thank you.
Emily: Salmon puffs.

Paris: I'm broke.
Rory: Broke? How?
Paris: My parents flipped the bird at the I.R.S. one too many times. They've frozen everything. All I've got is my trust fund, which doesn't kick in till I'm 25. So unless you can whip out a magic wand and age me four years, I'm a goner.
Rory: Sit down. Calm down.
Paris: My ATM refused me. I thought it was just that particular one. So I went to another, and it refused me, too. So I went to the bank and used a few choice expletives, and a bunch of guys in suits started closing in on me. So I started pacing and yelling, "Attica! Attica!" Then the manager hit a little red button under his desk, so I ran out of there and came right over here. I'm a pauper. I'll be playing a hurdy gurdy on street corners and selling pencils out of a tin cup.

Paris: Don't worry. I have these all the time.
Rory: What do I do?
Paris: Well, it depends. There are different kinds. Does it feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest?
Rory: No.
Paris: Does your chest feel like an overinflated balloon with a slow leak?
Rory: Uh... not really.
Paris: Sharp needles, intermittently poking into your left ventricle?
Rory: I don't know from ventricles, but there is a needle thing.
Paris: You need diazepam. 50, no, 100mg in my purse.
Rory: No, wait. I don't want any diazepam.
Paris: Well, what do you want? Fluoxetine, protriptyline? I have others floating around the bottom of my purse. I have no idea what they are, but just popping a few can't hurt. Pretty hot grab bag.

Paris: I bet they all have money, too. Every one of those commodity fetishists.
Rory: How can she expect a table? The tables are for the people who are polite enough to respond to an invitation in the proper manner.
Paris: I bet you the Romanovs never RSVP'd either. They got theirs. Capitalist scum.
Rory: I hate her.
Paris: I hate the rich. A hard rain is gonna fall, you know what I'm saying?
Rory: I really hate her!
Paris: They should die.

Rory: They're just not the nicest people.
Paris: Well, the rich never are, because they don't have to be. When you control the means of production, it reduces the incentive to humanize workers. Capitalist system.
Rory: You know, I haven't eaten all day. I think I should eat. That's my problem.
Paris: Sure, boss, go eat. There's probably somewhere else where you eat, right? Special room.

Sookie: I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. That's how traumatic it was!
Michel: She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours. It's sickening.
Sookie: My whole life, flash! I mean, that's upsetting! You know, not that it's been a bad life, although I could have skipped seeing Mummenschanz.

Lorelai: Hey Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka? He likes his own fork. Plastic preferred.

Emily: She threw out the menu.
Richard: Hmm?
Emily: Rory. She's changed the entire menu.
Richard: What menu?
Emily: Richard, listen when I talk to you.
Richard: I'm sorry, Emily. It takes a second to emerge from Samuel Beckett. He's a strange man. Go on.