Paris: I got an A-minus. I have never gotten an A-minus. I just can't focus lately. Things are so weird at my house. My dad figured out exactly how much it was going to cost him to divorce my mom. So now he's back. And it's bad enough I wasted all that time crunching the numbers with him, but now that he's back, they're fighting and redecorating. It's a mess. I need help.
Rory: Look, I can't tonight but if you're still freaked out after the quiz on Tuesday I will spend every day next week helping you prepare for the final, okay?
Paris: I guess.
Rory: Relax. It will be fine. I promise.
Paris: All I had to do was move a decimal point, and none of this would have happened.

Emily: Hello. I'm Emily Gilmore. This is my daughter Lorelai.
Bobby: Yes, welcome to Birchgrove. My name is Bobby. I have everything all set for you. Any luggage?
Lorelai: Yes, it's in the Luca Brasi-mobile out front.
Bobby: Well, we can take care of that for you. Here are your room keys and a copy of all of your spa activities. You ladies are booked solid, I see.
Emily: Well, we intend to leave here completely different people.
Lorelai: Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent.
Bobby: Anyhow, your rooms are right down this hall. Fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the mornings. Lunch and dinner seatings are on that itinerary. Any questions?
Lorelai: Yes. Where can one get a cup of coffee around here?
Bobby: Uh, we don't serve anything with caffeine here.
Lorelai: And you think that's safe?

Rory: Well, your lung capacity certainly has improved.
Dean: Well, I've been playing a lot more basketball lately.
Rory: Yet another reason to continue the fight to keep physical education in schools.

Emily: Your hands are amazing. Compliment your masseur's hands, Lorelai.
Lorelai: [quietly] Oh, my God.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Nothing.
Emily: You were muttering under your breath. Years of experience have taught me that when you do that it's usually about me.
Lorelai: [sighs] Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.
Emily: So?
Lorelai: A couple's massage is for a couple, not a couple of people.
Emily: It's more efficient this way. We finish at the same time.
Lorelai: Mom, do you know what most people who get these massages do about five minutes after it's over? They have sex, together, probably while wearing their robes.

Paris: I tried to stay home and study myself, but I can't. I don't know what anything means. I can't even read my own handwriting. What does this say? Whoever wrote this should be dressed in a clown suit stuffing bodies under their porch. You're in your pajamas.
Rory: I know.
Paris: This was the big night you planned? A rendezvous with Mr. Peanut?
Rory: Well, I-
Paris: You're doing laundry.
Rory: Yes.
Paris: You're doing laundry in your pajamas.
Rory: My mom is out of town, and I never get the house all to myself.
Paris: You mean you never get to go months without seeing your parents, just getting an occasional postcard that doesn't even have a courtesy "Wish you were here" written on it? That does suck. Don't let me stand in the way.
Rory: Paris, wait.
Paris: No. I don't wanna get in the way. I hear there'll be some hot knitting going on later.

Jess: Can't get into poetry. It's like, "Jeez, just say it already. We're dying here."

Rory: Jess, I'm asking you as a friend. Please leave now.
Jess: You really want me to go?
Rory: I really want to avoid a fight with Dean.
Jess: Okay, I'm going.
Rory: Thank you.
Jess: Ow!
Rory: What?
Jess: I just twisted my ankle. I better go lie down.
Rory: Jess.
Jess: God, you're no fun when you're tense.

Jess: Are you sure you want me to go? Because maybe this can be solved between me and Dean if we had a little heart-to-heart. He could tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine. I promise I'll speak slowly.
Rory: Bye.
Jess: Give him my best, would you? [sees Dean] Actually, I guess I could do that myself.

Rory: We could hang out, maybe watch some TV. You can even spend the night if you don't want to drive back to Hartford.
Paris: Spend the night? Like a slumber party?
Rory: Sort of.
Paris: You're just doing this 'cause I lied to Dean for you, right?
Rory: I'm doing this because it's what you do with friends.
Paris: We're friends?
Rory: I'm not sure if there's an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.
Paris: Okay. But if you're doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I'll kill you.
Rory: Duly noted.

Emily: This is either the greatest steak I've ever eaten or I'm so hungry, I'm delirious. Pass the horseradish, please.
Lorelai: I never knew you were a spicy girl.
Emily: Oh, believe me, I can handle my heat. One summer when we were first married your father and I stayed in this little village in Thailand where we spent two weeks eating viciously hot chilies and skinny-dipping.
Lorelai: Stop, Mom.
Emily: Well, you certainly couldn't put your clothes on after eating those things.
Lorelai: Stop it! I like to think of parents the old-fashioned way. In separate bedrooms.