Rory: [on the phone] Rent the apartment, Paris. I'm not coming back to Yale.
Paris: You know, you've put me in a very difficult position. Now what if I end up renting the room to a rapist or serial killer?
Rory: I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back. And besides, I think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial killers.
Paris: There was no sense of finality in our last conversation.
Rory: There was a total sense of finality.
Paris: You can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford courier BTK'd to death, you'll know why.
Rory: Goodbye, Paris.

Sookie: I want your wedding to be perfect or I want nothing to do with it.
Lorelai: Oh really? Wow, that might be a problem. 'Cause I was hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle. Then later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat-check room Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids.

Michel: I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them. I would do it, but I don't want to.
Lorelai: All right, I'll do it.
Michel: Very well. I'll leave the-- Wait. Do you feel that?
Lorelai: Feel what?
Michel: An icy chill as if something sinister is approaching.
Sookie: What?
Michel: [hums "Witch's Theme" from The Wizard of Oz]
Lorelai: Gee, Michel, is Paris here?
Michel: Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled.
Lorelai: Where are you going?
Michel: In the opposite direction.

Lorelai: Paris, hi. Good to see you. You look good. Something different?
Paris: I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station.
Lorelai: That must be it. Come on. Let's sit.
Paris: Sorry I'm late, I was interviewing roommates. All I can say is build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood.

Lane: Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's gonna cheer you up... a lot.
Zach: What?
Lane: Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so, besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing.
Zach: Yeah?
Lane: Well, I wanted us to come out of this tour with something, so I figured the best way to motivate us to save would be to fib a little on how much we had.
Gill: You fibbed a little?
Lane: Actually, a lot, but it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with over $9,000. Huh? $9,000, American dollars. Why aren't you guys jumping up and down?
Brian: Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere on the 95?
Zach: And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months?
Gill: I thought we were broke.
Lane: See? See how it worked? And now we're reaping the rewards.
Zach: Lane, we were starving. We scrimped on everything.
Brian: I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste.
Gill: I've been washing my hair with bar soap.
Lane: But think about what we can do with the money. We can record, make a CD. Nirvana made "Bleach" for $600. Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make "Bleach" 10 times over.

Lorelai: Now I have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka. You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbors are so fond of, but... Well, that's okay. So you know, I guess I could just leave him here and I can come back and get him after work, which will be 3:00, 4:00 in the morning. Boy. Late. Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours. There's a good one in Woodbridge. Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way to fix the warp drive in my jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the inn, but that's doable. Yeah and then, of course, by the time I get off work and drive all the way back there, the kennel will be closed, so I'd have to break in, and that would set off some security system, and then I'd be arrested. So I should probably put a nail file on my shoe. And how much longer are you gonna make me do this?
Luke: I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.
Lorelai: Well, you know my babbling capabilities are infinite.
Luke: I'll take the dog home with me. And points for the dilithium-crystal reference.
Lorelai: Well, when you sleep with geeks...

Luke: Hey, just lying there, what a surprise. Make sure you grind that smelly butt into the rug good, get that aroma really locked in those fibers.

Luke: Come on! Hey! Wake up! I got a dog out here!
Man: Can I help you?
Luke: The dog ate chocolate. I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate. I went to the animal hospital, and they were closed. Then I called Babette and she told me where you lived. And you got to do something. Because this is not my dog. This is my fiancee's dog. She loves him. She named him "Paul Anka," which may on the surface not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her, you'd get it. Believe me, there's a lot of ways I could screw up the relationship, but I cannot lose her over the fact I killed her dog.
Man: I'll get the ipecac. Come on in.

Lorelai: How did it go with Paul Anka last night?
Luke: Well, first off, he ate 3 pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet. To his house because the animal hospital was closed. And he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat, and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half. After that, I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose to make sure that he was rehydrating properly, and then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner to make sure that never happens again. And now I'm gonna go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs because the vet said that the kibble is gonna be a little hard on his stomach for a couple of days. Does he have any particular fear of cheddar? 'Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better.

Luke: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?
Lorelai: Like what? His posture's perfect.
Luke: Chairs are for people.
Lorelai: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.
Luke: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're gonna eat in.
Lorelai: I don't eat in here. They do.