Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.
Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.
Sookie: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.
Lorelai: Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.
Sookie: I don't know how to talk to them, I don't know how to feed them, I cover up their party cloths, and I set their fingers on fire.
Lorelai: Just this once.
Sookie: I make them eat jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce. I'm Mommie Dearest.

Rory: [answers phone] Hello?
Emily: I was going to wait until you called me, but my life isn't as long as yours. Did you sit on the couch?
Rory: The couch?
Emily: I didn't want to get it too soft because I knew you would be studying there as well as watching television, and you would need a little bit of support.
Rory: You did this?
Emily: Of course I did it. My granddaughter's a Yalie now. She needs to live like a Yalie.
Rory: But how? When?
Emily: I snuck in yesterday when you were in classes just to measure to make sure everything would fit. Then I had to butter up your dippy freshman counselor so she'd let the movers in. Did you look in the entertainment center yet?
Rory: No. Oh.
Emily: That's a plasma TV with a VCR and a DVD player. There's also a five-CD changer and a turntable, and the whole thing is wired in 5.1 surround sound. Now I have no idea what that means, but the man who installed it said to get Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. It's supposed to be amazing.

Lorelai: Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."
Rory: That sounds good.
Lorelai: Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale.
We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."
Rory: Or I could keep the furniture.
Lorelai: Yes, you could.
Rory: This is great.
Lorelai: Hon, seriously, if you feel strongly, say something. I just want you to be prepared, that's all.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.

Lane: Okay, so I've scoured the entire store and here's what we got.
Lorelai: Hit me.
Lane: Horn of Gondor, Legolas' bow, and a cape.
Lorelai: Cape for who?
Lane: There's 4,000 people in that movie who wear capes - you can't pick one?
Lorelai: Wow, you're crabby.
Lane: Well, I wore a bracelet to school today. My parents were called. There was a special service in chapel, and I've been ordered to a soul-searching seminar next week. I'll be sitting between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the spicy condiment user.

Lorelai: Everything's gonna be fine.
Sookie: Kids don't like me, and I'm not so sure I like them.
Lorelai: You'll like your kid.
Sookie: You know at family gatherings when everyone goes into the living room, gathers around, watches the kids? I read. Jackson's sister has a little girl, six years old. She likes to get up in front of the family after dinner and sing Mariah Carey songs. I heckle. I have no desire to play with them. Easter egg hunts bore me. I have never borrowed the neighbor's kid to look after for the afternoon.
Lorelai: Good. That's called kidnapping.
Sookie: "Come on, Jackson, let's have a baby. I wanna be a mommy." I'm pathetic.
Lorelai: You're not pathetic.
Sookie: I'm gonna be a bad mother. I should not be a parent.

Lorelai: You know, if you took all the time you wasted being early for things... [mumbles]
Rory: What?
Lorelai: My mother was here.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: My mother. She was here. I can feel it.
Rory: Grandma hasn't been here.
Lorelai: [sniffs] Smell that?
Rory: Smell what?
Lorelai: The room. It smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.

Rory: The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.
Lorelai: You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.
Rory: Walk me out?
Lorelai: Because you need the protection.

Rory: [on the phone] Grandma, this is all really sweet, but I have roommates, you know? And this might make them a little uncomfortable.
Emily: Uncomfortable about what?
Rory: Well, this is a common room. It is common to all of us.
Emily: Uh-huh.
Rory: Four of us who live here. There are four of us who live here together. And the common room it's what we all have in common.
Emily: Oh, just show them how to use the remote. I'm sure they'll be fine with everything.
Rory: Grandma, I worry that by you giving me all these things, it kind of makes it my room.
Emily: Exactly.
Rory: What?
Emily: Never underestimate the value of the upper hand, Rory. You are in the real world now. Status matters.

Lorelai: [answers phone] They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.
Rory: Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.
Lorelai: You win.
Rory: It's unbelievable. You should see this place. I feel like I'm at Uday's house.

Rory: [on the phone] She didn't even ask. She got rid of everything that was in here. What if some of that furniture belonged to someone and they wanted it? I don't know what she was thinking.
Lorelai: She was thinking, [imitates Emily] "Rory's life - mine. Must cover with chenille."
Rory: I can't believe she did this.
Lorelai: Oh, yes, you can.
Rory: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Rory, come on, it's my mother. It's Emily Gilmore. This is what she does. You've seen her pull stunts like this on me for years.
Rory: Yeah, but that was you.
Lorelai: I told you when you borrowed that money from her that this is what you were getting into.
Rory: I can't believe you're gloating.
Lorelai: I'm not gloating. I'm just saying, when you sleep with dogs, you wake up with an entertainment center.