Lorelai: Um, I think there's been a terrible mistake. Uh, Rory told me that she wasn't allowed to take her test.
Hanlin Charleston: She was late.
Lorelai: Right, well see, there were circumstances beyond her control. Rory is never late. She's almost annoyingly on time. If you checked your records-
Hanlin Charleston: Past performance has nothing to do with today's situation.
Lorelai: Okay. But see, she was up all night studying. I was there. She has a witness.
Hanlin Charleston: She's not on trial here.
Lorelai: Well, Your Honor... Just a little trial humor. That won't happen again. She got up late. She broke her neck to get here. We don't live locally as you-
Hanlin Charleston: "The dog ate my homework."
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Hanlin Charleston: "My computer crashed, and I lost my midterm."
Lorelai: I wasn't making excuses.
Hanlin Charleston: "My grandmother and first cousin died." "My sister took my report to school instead of hers." "My religion prohibits studying after sundown." "I went blind last night, but I'm fine now."
Lorelai: That's not Rory.
Hanlin Charleston: Ms. Gilmore, rules are rules. When you're late, you forfeit the right to take the test.

Lorelai: Do you have any idea what we have gone through this week? We have been up all night every night, studying. We haven't slept. We haven't talked about anything else except this school and this test for seven days. We have stretched ourselves as thin as humanly possible without going completely postal. My God! We're just one person!
Hanlin Charleston: Why don't we narrow our field of conversation down to Rory?
Lorelai: Okay. Why don't we? You sit here in your snotty little school in desperate need of some extra heating vents and you nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies. You set impossible standards that make normal people feel less than everybody else. And you take a great kid like Rory and tear her apart!
Max Medina: I don't think that's completely fair.
Lorelai: And you, you say she's smart and she'll do fine. And this rotting, stodgy rathole could use somebody like her. Then you completely shut her out of a test that she's crammed for that she completely deserves to take!
Max Medina: I didn't call this place a rathole.
Lorelai: Oh, no, that's true. I added that. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with Il Duce here. I thought this place was gonna be so great. And now, I guess this goes on the "Boy, was I wrong" list right above gauchos but just below the Flashdance phase.

Lorelai: Shopping for school supplies. Party.
Rory: Nobody demanded that you come.
Lorelai: Are you kidding? How often do you do things like this? While we're going crazy, we should get toilet paper and a plunger.

Paris: Hard paper.
Louise: Killer.
Paris: How did you do?
Louise: "A."
Paris: Me, too!
Louise: Small world.
Paris: Isn't it? Madeline, what did you get?
Madeline: You know I got a "B."
Paris: A "B's" not bad.
Madeline: Not at all.
Paris: It's respectable even.
Louise: I'd be proud.
Paris: A "D," however, that would be cause for concern.
Louise: A cry for help.
Paris: A job application at McDonald's.
Louise: "Would you like fries with that?"
Paris: Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart. As my mother always says, "Somebody has to answer the phones."
Madeline: I have no idea what you two are talking about.
Paris: No, but Rory does.

Tristin: Hey, Mary!
Rory: And it just keeps getting better.
Tristin: You look sad.
Rory: I'm fine.
Tristin: Bad grade?
Rory: I have to go.
Tristin: You know what, Mary, I just can't figure out why we're not friends. I think it's because I make you nervous.
Rory: I think it's because you can't learn my name.
Tristin: Do you have a boyfriend?
Rory: None of your business.
Tristin: Is that a no?
Rory: Is there no one else at this school you can bother?
Tristin: I think you like me. You just don't know how to say it. So what are you doing Friday night?
Rory: I'm busy.
Tristin: What, you gotta be back at the convent by 5:00?
Rory: Please leave me alone.
Tristin: All right. Since you said "please." Later, Mary.

Michel: Ah! You imbecile!
Drella: Back off, chevalier.
Michel: Ah, you're stupid, blind, and clumsy.
Drella: At least I'm not French.
Lorelai: What's going on?
Michel: She ran over my shoe.
Drella: He got in the way.
Michel: You aimed for me.
Lorelai: Hold on.
Michel: She scratched my shoes.
Drella: What a baby.
Michel: These are $300 Italian loafers.
Drella: I wonder if Versace makes a pacifier.
Michel: You're fired.
Drella: You can't fire me.
Michel: Then I dock your pay. Can I kill her?
Lorelai: Not before high tea.
Michel: Fine. Then I will curse you constantly and in several languages.

Lorelai: Behold, in theaters now, The Thing That Reads A Lot.

Rory: Jeez, who's naked?
Lorelai: Lucien Mills, food critic.
Rory: Yeah? How's his butt?
Lorelai: I don't know. He was supposed to review the restaurant. Oh, here it is.
Sookie: Is it good? Is he mean? Should I cry?
Lorelai: Here we go. "The words 'divine', 'delectable', and 'delirious' don't begin to describe the delicious experience of dining at the Independence Inn." Ah, I'm smelling rave.
Sookie: Really?
Lorelai: "Only Chef Sookie St. James could make a simple salad of hothouse tomatoes and assorted fresh herbs seem like a religious experience. Her lobster bisque is worth every sinful, cream-filled, rich sip."
Sookie: See, I don't use that much cream. I just use a very concentrated lobster stock. And it really makes it...
Lorelai: Sookie, he's not here.
Sookie: Okay, go on.
Lorelai: "The entrees are as heavenly as the starters. Though the much-lauded risotto was perfectly fine, it was the handkerchief pasta with brown sage in a butter sauce that sent me through the roof." Sookie, this is unbelievable! I'm gonna have this framed for the dining room!
Sookie: Yeah, that'd be swell. Can I see that again?

Lorelai: So we should celebrate tonight, huh? Girls on the town?
Rory: I can't. I have to study.
Sookie: I should really get started on this shopping list.
Lorelai: What is going on here? We are young and fiery women. Studying? Shopping lists? Where's "To hell with it all"? Where's "Throwing caution to the wind"? Where- Oh, shoot, the linen delivery.
Rory: You go, girl.

Lorelai: News is on!
Rory: One sec.
Lorelai: [talks over the news] For our top story tonight, a grisly, horrible thing happened in a small town where no grisly, horrible things ever happen. Everyone's shocked! House slides down hill. Liposuction kills. Stay fat.