Lorelai: Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.
Kirk: Everybody is always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right. Well, I'm sorry, but I am the mail carrier in this town and I will carry the mail the way that I carry the mail, and if you don't like that, then you can carry the mail. But you'll have to apply for the job first and get hired. And there's a test, and it is a hard test, my friend. Ow, paper cut.

Richard: Ah, you're here.
Lorelai: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
Richard: It's chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
Lorelai: Come again?
Richard: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
Lorelai: Three DAR strokes. What's in that water they're drinking?
Richard: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you're forgetting Liesl.
Lorelai: What?
Richard: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
Lorelai: Right, the muttonchops.

Lorelai: Your phone has been busy all night and I am dying to know what the doctor said.
Sookie: He said, "Congratulations, it's an It!"
Lorelai: Ah, I loved being pregnant.
Sookie: You'll give me lots of tips?
Lorelai: Oh, what I can remember.
Sookie: Get your diary out from that year 'cause I wanna know it all.
Lorelai: A lot of my diary from that year was a debate over which member of Tears for Fears I loved more at that particular moment.
Sookie: That's probably not going to help me much.

Paris: Look, I'm here, we should just do this and get it over with. Do you wanna study here or in your bedroom? Fine, I'll go to a payphone. Do you have payphones in this town or are you still using a town crier?

Paris: Could you focus faster because I really need some feedback here.
Rory: Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie...
Paris: Had sex.
Rory: Okay, so, were you safe?
Paris: Yes, it was a regular after school special.
Rory: Well, was he nice to you?
Paris: Yes, he was very nice to me.
Rory: And the two of you had discussed this...
Paris: Well, I don't know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied.
Rory: Implied?
Paris: Yes, implied. When you're dating a boy and you're together for a given amount of time and you're not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable.

Rory: No. I never did it with Dean.
Paris: Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?
Rory: Um, no.
Paris: You're lying.
Rory: No, I'm not lying.
Paris: You haven't?
Rory: No.
Paris: Why not?
Rory: I just haven't. It's just not the time.

Paris: Why is it not the time? I mean, if it's not the time for you, then maybe it's not the time for me either.
Rory: Paris, you can't judge what's right for you against what's right for me. I mean, we are different, and Jamie and Jess are different.
Paris: Well, yeah.
Rory: Maybe it was the time for the two of you.
Paris: I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up.
Rory: Some things can't be analyzed.

Richard: You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?
Rory: Yes.
Richard: Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
Rory: Say no more.

Paris: How could I have not gotten into Harvard? Five generations of Gellers have gotten into Harvard. Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family, the name is still supposed to carry some weight.
Rory: Paris.
Paris: They had to really not like me for me to not get in. It's like they know me or something.
Rory: Stop. I know how much this meant to you, Paris, but you are going to get just as good an education at one of the other great schools you're destined to get into. And you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that you're going to a different school than the rest of your family. You'll be doing your own thing, starting your own tradition. Doesn't that sound exciting?
Paris: I can't believe I slept with Jamie. I'm a slut.
Rory: No, you're not. You love him.
Paris: What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't think I'm special anymore? How am I going to tell him I didn't get into Harvard? What am I gonna do?
Rory: Paris, I don't know why you didn't get into Harvard, but you are so smart and so special and you'll see, everything's gonna be fine.

Sookie: I'm not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I'm a chef, I have to have knives.
Jackson: Sookie.
Sookie: And I'm also not cutting off the water supply and I'm not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I'm sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I'm sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.