Richard: Don't you think I know why you "invited" me here?
Lorelai: Because-
Richard: Because your mother asked you to. She called you up and said I was driving her crazy. And would you please take me off her hands for one day so she could get some peace, isn't that true?
Lorelai: No.
Richard: You have never once invited me to your house, Lorelai. Never. And I can hardly point to an event that would prompt you to do so except my recent employment situation.
Lorelai: Okay, Dad, Mom did call me, but-
Richard: You know, I never thought about retirement. I never thought about what I would do or what I would be once I wasn't working. I never once imagined that I would go from being a productive member of the human race to a decrepit old drone sitting at the club at 3:00 in the afternoon drinking brandy and playing cards.
Lorelai: Oh, Dad.
Richard: I am an annoyance to my wife and a burden to my daughter. Suddenly I realize what it feels like to be obsolete. I hope that you never have to learn what that feels like. Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain check on dinner. I'm not very hungry.

Richard: You love Bastide. Why don't we try that place Jason took me to last week? A lot of hip clientele. He pointed out Moby to me. He's that bald musician.
Lorelai: Yep, that's pretty hip, Dad.
Emily: When did you have dinner with Moby?
Richard: Well, Moby was just there. Jason played me some of his music later. I liked it.
Emily: We're going to Bastide, but don't fret. Maybe the Beatles will be there and you can sit in and jam with them.
Richard: Two of the Beatles are dead, Emily.
Emily: Only one is dead.
Richard: No, a second Beatle died just recently.

Richard: On behalf of myself and my second wife, Emily, I would like to thank you all for coming here to help us celebrate. You are good friends, and we are very, very lucky. Now, in planning our traditional first dance, I gave a lot of thought to the song that would represent the next phase in our marriage. The best phase in our marriage, I believe. I went over all the greats: Bennett, Sinatra, Chuck Berry, and a story popped into my head. Now, most of you know my daughter, Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long. We couldn't keep a nanny longer than a week.
Lorelai: Yeah, that was the terrible part. The searing pain was just a side note.
Richard: And so, it fell to Emily to sit with her all night long. She tried everything to calm her down. Finally, she found a song that seemed to soothe her. It was a popular song on the radio and it soon became Emily's favorite. Of course, it drove me crazy. Some woman complaining about how she wanted to marry a man named Bill. Not exactly Cole Porter. Emily would tease me, saying, "If only your name was Bill, then this could be our song." Well, Emily, for tonight, and tonight only, my name is Bill, and this is our song. Hit the button, Johnny. Your hand, madam.
Emily: I cannot believe you remembered this song.

Emily: She's not serving salmon puffs.
Richard: Good night, Mr. Beckett.
Emily: We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in 25 years have we staged an event without salmon puffs.
Richard: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at 3, recite the periodic table at 4, discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was 10. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.
Emily: Fine, go back to your Beckett.
Richard: Thank you.
Emily: Salmon puffs.

Emily: We're adding it to the money we're donating in Rory's name.
Rory: Oh, goody. They didn't forget.
Emily: And with that extra money, we can now afford what is on the table right in front of you. Richard, do the honors.
Richard: All right. Miss Rory Gilmore, may I present your building.
Rory: [gasps] What?!
Emily: Your science building.
Richard: On the Q.T., a friend of mine who knows the architect snagged the model for me. It's a beauty, isn't it? Built perfectly to scale.
Emily: Very sleek. And there's plenty of wall space inside for a portrait.
Rory: Of who?
Lorelai: Of you.
Richard: And look right here. My friend attached a placard to the front of the building.
Lorelai: "The Rory Gilmore Astronomy Building".
Rory: Um, Grandpa.
Emily: They're going to start construction this summer, so it should be up and running by Christmas.

Emily: And I watched his hands closely. They're steady as a statue's. Oh, and, Richard, he's Yale undergrad, Harvard medical school.
Richard: You don't say. Well, if he does a good job, I'll forget the Harvard part. I'll write that off as a youthful indiscretion.

Lorelai: Are you okay, Dad? I mean, how are you feeling, considering everything? You okay? You look okay.
Richard: Well, all in all, I think I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
Rory: [chuckles] Ronald Reagan.
Richard: Quoting W.C. Fields.
Rory: Oh, I didn't know that.
Lorelai: It would be great time now. You know, winter in Philadelphia is a great time to see the Liberty Bell and the cream cheese. And... that's all I got on Philadelphia.
Emily: Lorelai.
Lorelai: Well, the cheesesteaks. The Philly cheesesteaks.

Lorelai: I can't believe they did this for her.
Richard: I don't think this is all for Rory. I think this party's a testament to you, Lorelai, and the home you've created here. I regret that you needed to-
Emily: Richard.
Richard: Now, let me finish, Emily. I regret it, and we've... Recent experiences have taught me-
Emily: Oh, please don't become one of those "I had a heart attack, let me express my every thought" types.
Richard: Not every thought, dear, just this one. It takes a r- A remarkable person to inspire all of this.
Lorelai: Thanks, Dad.

Richard: Pork is bred leaner these days. It has a different taste. Less fat equals less flavor. Yet another example of the great advances man has made, flavorless pork. Hurrah for the opposable thumbs.
Lorelai: All right, enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject.

Richard: Ah. Lovely party. I enjoyed the reading material immensely.
Rory: So what's the verdict?
Richard: I... am an autumn.
Rory: Interesting.
Richard: Isn't it?