Lorelai: So that's Jess.
Luke: Yep.
Lorelai: Very chatty.
Luke: He's adjusting. He just got here. He probably just realized there are 12 stores in this town devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns. I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it.
Lorelai: I'm sure that's it.

Rory: Oh, my God, I hate her.
Lorelai: Oh, me, too.
Rory: You've no idea who I'm talking about.
Lorelai: Solidarity, sister.
Rory: Paris.
Lorelai: Oh, well, that I should have guessed.
Rory: She thinks she can torture me off the paper, and she can't.
Lorelai: No, she can't.
Rory: I have never met anyone like her before. Her insistence on holding on to this stupid grudge that is based on nothing and will never ever end shows commitment that I would have never thought possible. I'm beginning to admire her.

Lorelai: We are having a gathering tomorrow night.
Rory: What kind of gathering?
Lorelai: Well, Luke's nephew's here and I thought we could try to make him feel a little more at home.
Rory: You met him?
Lorelai: Sort of.
Rory: What's he like?
Lorelai: Well, he's not going to be subbing for the new dodo on the Regis show anytime soon. Let's put it like that.

Lorelai: Oh, Jess, let me give you a little advice. The whole "my parents don't get me" thing, I've been there.
Jess: You have?
Lorelai: Yes, I have. I've also done the "chip on my shoulder" bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic "the world can bite my ass" bit. And let me tell you, I mastered them all. In heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified. Maybe you are getting screwed. But... Luke is a great guy. He's very special. And he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be. How much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.
Jess: What? Are you sleeping with him or something?
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Jess: I don't know. The whole starry-eyed "you're so much better off, just give it a chance" speech. You're either really naive or you're getting some.
Lorelai: Oh, there have been very few moments in my life where I've actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well, now that's not very neighborly.
Lorelai: You know what? This is my house. I choose how I get talked to in it. Ha ha.
Jess: You know, you don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke. So why don't you Dr. Laura someone else?
Lorelai: I'm going inside. Stay out of my fridge.

Luke: Where's Jess?
Lorelai: Outside working on his Breakfast Club audition. He's good.

Rory: I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.
Luke: Two coffees and two cherry Danishes.
Rory: Oh, and some napkins.
Luke: One of these is for her, isn't it?
Rory: Who? Oh, no. They're all for me. I am super hungry today. I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
Luke: I'll tell you what, I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee. You can sit there and eat and when you've finished them, right over there where I can see you, I'll bring you a second one.
Rory: You're really going to stand there and watch me eat a Danish?
Luke: Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.

Rory: I don't really know how to act.
Max Medina: I'm not completely sure of that myself. We could sit.
Rory: Sit? Sure, that's good. Barbara Walters sits. Or walks sometimes, if the person she's talking to has a horse or a ranch or a big backyard sometimes... but usually she just sits.

Luke: You were right. I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.
Lorelai: Try turning it around.
Luke: What was I thinking? Why did I say yes to this?
Lorelai: Because you saw a kid in need of help and you thought you'd throw him a line.
Luke: But me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky, you know, like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow they've always got jam on their hands. I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands.
Lorelai: Okay, slow down. First of all, Jess is 17 so he's probably past the jam hands stage by now. And second of all, you can do this. If you want to, you are totally capable. But you can't just buy a bed and some sheets and expect the rest to take care of itself. That will not work.

Rory: What are you doing?
Jess: This? Nothing. Just another little disappearing act.
Rory: Little tip?
Jess: Yeah.
Lorelai: If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear.
Jess: So I assume the nose is off-limits, too.
Rory: Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin. Let's leave it that way.

Jess: So what are you doing now?
Rory: I have some homework to finish.
Jess: Okay. Then I'll leave you this last little trick.
Rory: You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine.
Jess: It is yours.
Rory: You stole my book.
Jess: No, borrowed it.
Rory: Okay, that's not called a trick, that's called a felony.