Lorelai: Hey.
Luke: Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you want to just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts.
Lorelai: No, thanks, I can wait.
Luke: What the helI's going on with them?
Lorelai: Oh, I don't know.
Luke: Crazy people. The whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with Ping-Pong tables and hand puppets.

Luke: Something that's supposed to start nice. Two people promising each other: "I love you forever. I want to die when you die. My life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush." And then it starts.
Lorelai: Well, that's not exactly...
Luke: Who do you invite? Who sits where? Open bar? Yes or no?
Lorelai: Luke.
Luke: Auntie Juny doesn't eat chicken. Uncle Momo's off his meds.
Lorelai: Juny and Momo?
Luke: Just an example.
Lorelai: Of a retired circus couple?
Luke: And then after all that planning, the reception will still be a disaster. Because no matter what you do or how carefully you plan, halfway through one of those nauseating Bette Midler ballads someone's getting drunk, someone's sleeping with someone else's wife, and a chicken Kiev lands on the cake.
Lorelai: You know, the Gettysburg Address was only one page long, and that was about a war.
Luke: I just call them like I see them.

Luke: Okay. We got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes, Chinese herbs, self-help books and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge. Pretty, huh? This is done.
Jess: Hey.
Luke: You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home. You will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework and then you will go to bed. Where's the gnome?
Jess: What?
Luke: Weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings, i.e. Kabala studies, freeway beautification projects, Color Me Mine pottery painting, all discussable options. You will not steal. You will pay back Taylor Doose, you will graduate from high school, and you will return Pierpon to his yard.
Jess: You can't just-
Luke: I can just. I am not letting you fall off the face of the earth. You will not drift. I won't let it happen. Now, I don't know if this is the right way but this is the way it's being handled and that, my friend, is the end of this discussion. Where are you going?
Jess: Out.
Luke: Well, at least I asked.

Luke: I don't want a wood-burning fireplace-
Lorelai: Luke?
Luke: ...but if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace even though I could give a rat's ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra $200 a month for the wood-burning fireplace.
Lorelai: Yeah, but-
Luke: Three of the places make you put down a $500 deposit if you have a dog! Can you believe this?
Lorelai: You don't have a dog.
Luke: I know, but it's wrong.
Lorelai: Agreed. What else?
Luke: Parking! How can people ask you for a monthly fee for a parking space? I mean, they're making money off your rent, your utilities, when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer. That's cash directly in their pocket and, by the way, it's not even that good a parking space. It's out in the open under one of those trees that drops the sap on your car that eats away the paint.
Lorelai: Luke?
Luke: Who's gonna pay for my car, huh? Where's my $500 paint-killing, tree-sap deposit?

Luke: It's time to lay down a few ground rules, sit. All right, first off, when she is up here, that door stays open.
Jess: Excuse me?
Luke: You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when you're on the couch, then she's on the chair. When she's on the couch, then you're on the chair.
Jess: I get it, thank you.
Luke: On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?

Luke: The first night on the boat we, uh, went to see an act that everyone was raving about. We go in, sit down, they close the door. Turned out to be a guy playing musical drinking glasses. You know, with the half-filled cups that give off different tones. He played Mozart, and I swear I could hear Mozart banging on his coffin. Out of politeness, we stayed, and there went an hour of our lives. Next night, the sign in front of the theater said the entertainment for the night was a guy singing the songs of Sinatra. We verified with the guy at the door, the songs of Frank Sinatra, right? Not Tina, not Frank Jr., not Bill Sinatra, but Ol' Blue Eyes. "Yes," he says. "It's like Frank come to life." We go in, sit down, they close the door. Then they announce that the guy singing Sinatra is sick and the glass-playing guy is filling in. Out he comes, there's goes another hour. Next night, we meet a nice couple while walking the Lido Deck. Had some nice conversation, so we have dinner with them. Everything's going great. Then they invite us to go somewhere afterwards - guess where they took us? That's right, to see the glass guy. Three nights in a row, three hours total. Well, that's what I want. I want those three hours back.
Mr. Blodgett: We'll have to confer on this.
Mr. Stein #2: Maybe do a productivity study.
Luke: Yeah, get Blobb, Fromm and Pinnuccio in there, too.

Lorelai: Hey, Luke. What's going on?
Luke: Oh, well, Tom called. The banister on the stairs has to be replaced. It'll be $4,000. Tamsin Cordally called. He needs a deposit on the quartersawn oak. It'll be $4,000. Julio the landscaper called. I have no idea what he said, but it's going to be $4,000. Vicki from Vicki's Horse Supply called. She thinks Pepper and Gunsmoke would suit your needs, but Gunsmoke snores, so the stables can't be too close to the guests' bedrooms. Rory's looking for her black Converse, and, oh, one last thing... I'm not taking messages for you anymore!
Lorelai: Sorry.
Luke: What did you do, have business cards printed up?
Lorelai: People just know I'm here a lot.
Luke: I missed a call from my meat guy because I was on the phone discussing Gunsmoke's deviated septum.

Luke: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me.
Luke: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
Luke: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
Lorelai: God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
Luke: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, "you will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away." I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away.
Luke: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me... One day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Well, man, I will say anything or a cup of coffee. Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet.
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years.
Luke: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here - me, you - I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. Does that, uh... Are you, uh, scared?

Luke: [sighs] Okay. Let's get something out of the way right now.
Lorelai: What? [Luke grabs a pen and pad from his bedside cabinet] What are you doing?
Luke: Tell me what CD's to get so I don't have to hear about it.
Lorelai: Seriously?
Luke: And skip any '80s groups where the guys dressed up like pirates. I draw the line at pirates.
Lorelai: This has been a really great first date.
Luke: It only took us eight years to get here. [they kiss] Okay. So, U2, right?
Lorelai: Yeah, Bono is a must, and Blondie and, um... Ooh, Sparks, especially the new one, plus Bowie.
Luke: Okay, I know he dressed up like a pirate.
Lorelai: Space man.
Luke: Space man I can deal with.

Luke: You were never supposed to tip me, anyway.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: I'm the proprietor. You're not supposed to tip the proprietor, even when they serve you.
Lorelai: You mean all those years, that extra 20% was unnecessary?
Luke: You never tipped me 20%.
Lorelai: Ooh. Now it's getting ugly.
Luke: You were a solid 15 percenter, sometimes less if the bill got higher. Way less if you were mad at me about something.
Lorelai: Well, it doesn't matter. I wasn't supposed to be tipping you, anyway.