Man: [on tape] If you crave love, then you deserve love. Say that to yourself. If I crave love, I deserve love.
Luke: [sighs heavily]
Man: Now, how did that feel coming out? I'll bet it was hard. I'll bet you felt ridiculous. Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all. Try again.
Luke: I'm not incapable. I just haven't been hit in the head with the Oprah stick lately.

Rory: So what exactly was Grandma's excuse for canceling Friday night dinner?
Lorelai: That Dad was traveling and she had a function.
Rory: It was that generic?
Lorelai: She put no thought into it, and it was muffled, but at the end of the call, I do believe I heard a knock and someone yelling, "turndown service."
Rory: Living in a hotel.
Lorelai: And hiding it.
Rory: Poor Grandma. We should talk to them.
Lorelai: "We"?
Rory: Well, you. I'm a child.
Lorelai: Talking is not my parents' thing. It would humiliate them if they knew that we knew that they are... whatever they are.
Rory: So, we do nothing?
Lorelai: I guess we wait until one of them cracks.

Rory: Man, how many tapes are we watching tonight?
Lorelai: Well, every time I started watching something that I thought you would like, I stopped watching it and I saved it for when we could watch it together, so I watched the first 10 minutes of 12 movies.
Rory: So which one are we gonna watch?
Lorelai: Mmm. The absolute funniest movie known to man, Fatso.
Rory: I'm loving the title.
Lorelai: Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it.
Rory: Well, Annie Sullivan, look at you go.

Luke: [on the phone] No, Roy, I know what I'm talking about. I'm looking for stalks of wheat, not processed wheat, stalks. That's putting it another way. I need bare-ass stalks. Sorry. I know you can't eat it like that. I just need it for decoration. No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it! Sorry. I just need to know whether you have it or not. No? Okay, whatever. Thanks. [hangs up] Is there no wheat left in this country? What happened to Kansas? Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat?
Lorelai: I do recall Toto running through fields of it.

Luke: Hey, don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.
Lorelai: Sorry.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: I should go. Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase?
Luke: No, I didn't.
Lorelai: That's my list. Every Chinese person in the world.
Luke: Scary.
Lorelai: Scary.

Paris: That is Professor Asher Fleming in there, of Yale University. He's an important man, and you're acting like you're about to sell his spleen to UCLA.
Doctor: The procedures are the procedures.
Paris: Oh, really? I thought the procedures were a hat. Hit me with some more lame tautology, Socrates.
Doctor: That's enough. Now, calm down, take a seat, and let us continue our work.
Paris: Oh, you men, always telling us to calm down. Me, Hillary, Martha, the second we make a squeak, you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.
Nurse: Honey, please.

Michel: Does it bother you that the word "laundry" is misspelled?
Lorelai: No! I proofed these pages a million times. That breaks my heart. L-a-u-n-d-r-y. That's right.
Michel: No, it's d-r-i-e.
Lorelai: No, laundry. L-a-u-n-d-r-y.
Sookie: There's a "u?" There's no "u."
Michel: There's a "u" but no "y."
Lorelai: There's a "y" but no "i-e," and a "u."
Sookie: Or a "u."
Lorelai: No, no. There's a "u." There's no "i-e." It's a "y"... This is giving me a headache.
Michel: Does "consomme" have two m's?
Lorelai: Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books.

Lorelai: And Michel, you're no longer asking for 10 references from every person we're hiring.
Michel: But they are all such imbeciles. How else will we know?
Lorelai: We're capping it at three.
Michel: Five.
Lorelai: Four.
Michel: I guess four's okay.

Luke: Oh, Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong. Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off. I had this friend - let's call him Phillip - who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.
Jess: Who the hell is Judy?
Luke: Phillip's wife. We call her Judy.
Jess: I wasn't bargaining.
Luke: You were bargaining. You had expectations out of line with what you deserved. You don't nurture.
Jess: Where are you getting this junk?
Luke: Life. I've lived.
Jess: What, in a Bette Midler movie?
Luke: I'm just trying to help you out.

Lorelai: Luke, hi.
Luke: Hey. Where are you coming from?
Lorelai: Oh, you know, the zucchini patch. It's a long story. No, it's short. I slept in the zucchini patch.
Luke: Okay.