Luke: And they have those flashlight thingies-
Lorelai: Yes, that's the right name for those flashlight thingies.
Luke: And Jedi powers of mind control, and they can move things, so they're telekinetic. And they hover on their jet saucers over molten lava, and they can jump and fly like they're in Cirque du Soleil.
Lorelai: Ah, coffee, please.
Luke: But what gives one Jedi knight the edge over the other, huh? The ultimate advantage. They stand on a mound of dirt and declare, "You can't win. I've got the high ground."
Lorelai: Dude, if he said it, that's the way it is. It's a fictional world.
Luke: He's four feet up a little slope. That wipes out the other guys' powers to fly, jump around, move things with his brain, use his flashlight thingy?
Lorelai: You've got to learn the right term for that flashlight thingy.

Lorelai: It could be, like, a paint studio.
Luke: We don't paint.
Lorelai: Well, maybe we'll start. Maybe it's the lack of a studio that's kept us from realizing our love of watercolors.
Luke: I don't have a love of watercolors.
Lorelai: Or I could use it as my recording studio. That would be cool, huh? And when I'm not laying down tracks, I could rent it out to Korn or Iggy Pop or someone, right? You and me just hanging with Iggy Pop, rocking out, telling stories. Ig's got stories.
Luke: Uh-huh.
Lorelai: Or we could use it as a safe house in case we decide to take up a life of crime.
Luke: I doubt we're going to do that.
Lorelai: Well, we could be wrongly accused of a crime we did not commit. Then we'd have to hide out until society realized the mistake, and then we'd be like, "Hey, no hard feelings. It happens. This is a great country, and thank god we had the safe house."

Lorelai: So, what do we do?
Luke: I'm gonna talk to T.J. But I'm gonna be smart about it, I'm not gonna spook him. I'm gonna be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ball game, invite him along. We'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're gonna eat. And then I'm gonna get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park, I'm gonna put a rope around his neck and pull it till he's dead!
Luke: Wait, wait. You're in the backseat?
Luke: That's for garroting, yes.
Lorelai: No, he's gonna smell something fishy if you hop in the backseat especially if you're driving.
Luke: No, he's not that bright. It'll work.
Lorelai: Why are you even buying the tickets? Just sneak up and garrote him on the street save the money.
Luke: I can still go to the game the other way. I'll take my friend Ed. He hasn't been to a game in ages.

Luke: You drag me to see these movies.
Lorelai: No, you wanted to see that movie.
Luke: So I can't critique it because I wanted to see it?
Lorelai: [nods] That's how it works.
Luke: What about Bewitched?
Lorelai: Okay, I'm sorry. They screwed up Bewitched. Nicole Kidman good choice, but that concept?
Luke: You should go on a website.
Lorelai: No, but Bewitched is iconic Dr. Bombay, Larry Tate. There was no Larry Tate.
Luke: Hey, let it go. We saw this months ago.
Lorelai: This is different. You can't have Bewitched without Larry Tate.

Lorelai: I'm just enjoying the animals, Patty.
Miss Patty: Honey, this is not right. She can't have a love thing with a dog.
Lorelai: She can't? Yes, I can. Go about your business there, Patty.
Miss Patty: You must have her name on some blacklist back there, don't you?
Woman: We don't have a blacklist.
Miss Patty: But this is Lorelai Gilmore.
Lorelai: Ignore her. This dog loves me. And the pig the pig loved me.
Miss Patty: It looks dead.
Lorelai: It's sleeping. They sleep, right?
Woman: Actually, that's very unusual for her to be sleeping. Meg, make sure the pig's okay.
Lorelai: Yeah, the pig's fine.
Miss Patty: You didn't touch it, did you?
Lorelai: I did not kill the pig, Patty.

Miss Patty: You got a bad record. You got to admit it.
Lorelai: That thing with the hamster was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! And it was only a hamster. I mean, it's not really in the same category as dog or pig, now, is it?
Miss Patty: What about the rabbit?
Lorelai: Okay, the rabbit was sick when I got it. It was sick when I got it. It was very humanitarian of me to take it in the first place.
Miss Patty: And that poor turtle. It was supposed to outlive you.
Lorelai: Okay, you're really kind of bringing down the pet fair here, Patty.
Miss Patty: Honey, go see March of the Penguins. That's really as close to the animals as you should get.

Emily: Let's see what else. "When you're eating in the mess hall, never reach across the prisoner next to you." It's a provocation that will get you a fork in your hand.
Rory: I don't think there's going to be a mess hall.
Emily: Well, wherever you're eating, that would apply. What else? "Don't be arrogant." But you're not arrogant. "Don't let anyone give you anything or lend you anything, period. It can get you injured or killed or turned out." I'm not sure what "turned out" means, but they're very careful to warn you off it.
Rory: Got it.
Emily: Now, "if somebody approaches you with a shiv"-
Rory: Do you know what a shiv is, Grandma?
Emily: No, what is it?
Rory: It's like a crude knife, carved from a soda can.
Emily: Oh. That must be why they advise you to "yell for a hack to come help you." What's a hack?

Lorelai: You're acting like you don't like dogs.
Luke: I don't like dogs.
Lorelai: Shh! He heard you.
Luke: He speaks English?
Lorelai: Since when do you not like dogs?
Luke: Since all the times I made that really, really clear, which is every time I've ever been around a dog.
Lorelai: What is there not to like about dogs?
Luke: They're dirty, they're a pain to train, they're a pain to wash, they bark when they shouldn't, they jump on you when you don't want them to, they chew things, they shed, they lick themselves, they make your house smell, they make your car smell, and they make you smell.

Lorelai: The only drawback is the name Cocoa. It's too cutesy. But he's a rescue, so I don't want to freak him out by giving him a new name right away. So, I'm gonna get to the name I want in baby steps. For the first week, I'll call him Cocoa to get him acclimated.
Luke: Acclimated.
Lorelai: The second week, I'm gonna call him Cokey. Third week Kooky. Fourth week Tooky.
Luke: So, you're gonna name him Tooky?
Lorelai: I'm gonna name him Paul Anka, but it's gonna take a while to get to Paul Anka.
Luke: Yeah, I'd say so.

Luke: We're just about done.
Lorelai: Done with what?
Luke: Sizing the situation.
Lorelai: What situation?
Luke: About how many silent joists we need to carry out.
Lorelai: What's a joist?
Luke: The things that support the load.
Lorelai: What load?
Luke: The load from the extension.
Lorelai: Okay, this has officially become the worst first draft of "Who's on first?" in history.